A Place in All of This

[Nineteen]

Cassie re-checked the list she'd been staring at for the entire day. Then she checked it again. Marco would make a Santa Claus joke, she thought to herself. Trying to find out who's naughty or nice...

Pushing away the pain that always followed any memory of her old comrades, Cassie went over the names another time. There was a stark contrast between the two groups of names. On one hand, there were her heavy-hitters -- Animorphs who had earned titles for themselves, who had passed through the fires of war and come out alive (if badly singed). On the other were the recruits: a promising group, but every group was promising. Each had gone through hardship just to get to this point, to be sure, but they were mostly untried.

Cassie and Seiya had another meeting scheduled later tonight to discuss the list again. Two factions would be created, and even though she was 90% sure of what the final layout would be, that remaining 10% needed to be dealt with. She'd made mistakes in assigning people before, and she couldn't risk being sloppy or hasty. Besides, though Cassie was intimately familiar with Aubrey, Suji, and Drake -- the last one through several second-hand accounts -- Seiya knew his recruits far better than she.

Rubbing her eyes for a moment and taking a drink of the glass of water on her desk, Cassie looked at the list another time. The office around her had been put together on short notice and reflected as much, but she'd ruthlessly organized what she could.

[Alain]

Alain walked towards Cassie's office and repeated what he was going to say to her inside his head one more time. After talking to Suji it had taken him a long time to calm down. He'd ended up going to the gym and beating up on the punching bags until Nineteen had found him and told him he was doing it wrong. After that getting a little lesson in boxing had allowed him to concentrate on something other than his confused and volatile emotions and by the end of it he'd determined that he owed Suji an apology but he hadn't been able to find her the rest of the day and, to be honest, he hadn't tried all that hard. There was a world of difference between knowing what you should do and actually doing it.

But if he had overreacted with Suji he was still angry that Cassie had told her anything about him in the first place. His American upbringing screamed that he had a right to the privacy of his record and even though he could acknowledge that America had been wiped off the map, what else were they fighting for if not the ideals their world was once built on. Things like respect for other people, including their privacy. As far as Alain could tell, there was no pressing reason that Cassie had needed to tell Suji about him. There was no security risk that had forced her hand. She had just let it slip for a reason he didn't understand so he'd decided to speak with her about it personally.

Alain reached the office and touched his hand to the panel next to the door. Unlike with public spaces and his own door, this door did not open when he touched the panel, but it would alert anyone inside that he was out here.

[Nineteen]

Just when she knew she was going cross-eyed, the video-intercom built into her desk alerted her that someone was at the door. Cassie glanced over at it, not sure who to expect, but wasn't entirely surprised to see Alain. Out of all of the people on the ship, there was a small handful who would actually come to her office without a meeting scheduled. Alain was one of them.

Cassie waved her hand over the sensor that opened the door, and sure enough, the tall young man was standing there. It didn't take an extraordinary amount of intuition to tell that something wasn't right. The fact that he was here at all was sign enough of that. Cassie began to realize that he was angry. Also not a huge surprise: people like Alain had a lot of things worth being angry about.

She gestured towards the seat on the opposite side of her desk. "How are you Alain?" Cassie opened the drawer next to her, putting her list inside. Then she returned her full attention to him.

[Alain]

Despite his anger Alain had decided that he couldn't afford to really mouth off to the leader of the resistance. Maybe he could have as Alain the scientist but as Alain the Animorph it would have been career suicide, not to mention it just wouldn't be wise under any circumstances. But when she gave him an opening to say something he almost went into a rant anyway. This was, of course, the purpose of the question. Some time a long time ago someone had realized that if you asked, "how are you?" right off the bat then someone was almost forced to report some normal status that limited their ability to claim they were doing terrible later.

Alain ground his teeth in frustration, a muscle in his jaw twitching with the action, and forced himself to respond politely. "Not the best Cassie," he said honestly and neutrally enough. "I was hoping I could have a moment of your time if you aren't too busy?" he asked, trying to do Seiya proud and remain unfailingly polite.

[Nineteen]

Alain wasn't just angry -- he was furious. Cassie wondered briefly what could make him so upset, and none of the options were exactly good. He seemed about one good shove away from shouting and storming around her office. She'd have to make sure it didn't get to that point. For one thing, that sort of thing didn't do anyone any good. For another, Seiya would probably toss him outside onto the tundra to teach him to cool off.

"No, now it fine." Cassie gestured towards the seat again. "Please, sit down. What's wrong?" How easy it would have been to tell him she was swamped with work. And while there was always work to be done, she knew it would have just been an excuse to hide from another problem. Alain deserved more than that: everyone did.

[Alain]

Alain nodded and found a seat. He immediately felt slightly less awkward than he had before, towering over the seated faction and resistance leader. As he looked at her across the desk he realized he hadn't seen her since he'd insisted on being sent to the Academy and, before that, he hadn't seen her since he was freed. He supposed it only made sense that he came into contact with her for "important" reasons. She was a leader and he didn't know anyone, not even Seiya, who had contact with her on a regular basis besides her own faction which operated more as her staff, instead of as a faction intent on taking back New York. At least, from what he'd understood and seen.

He cleared his throat and tried to remember what he'd told himself on the way over here but, as always seemed to happen, his preplanned speech was no where to be found inside of his head so he would have to wing it. "I spoke with Suji," he said and stopped, trying to figure out how to go on in the most polite (and anger free) way possible. "She is aware of my past," he finally said. Cassie was empathetic enough to figure the rest out, at least, she always seemed to be so.

[Nineteen]

As soon as Alain mentioned Suji, Cassie began bracing herself. Suji hadn't been told about Alain's recruitment, and Cassie could imagine that her reaction wouldn't be entirely positive. In truth, Cassie had planned to tell her only after Alain had graduated from the Academy and spent some time in another faction. It would have reinforced that he had what it took to keep himself alive as an Animorph. As it was, the situation with Cape Town and Dean and Drake's crash landing hadn't permitted that plan to unfold.

What she hadn't been prepared for, however, was what came next. Immediately she understood that Suji had told Alain what she knew about his role in what happened to Dallas. "I see."

That girl... Cassie thought, unsure if she felt angry or annoyed or proud. She probably should have expected something like this. Suji was the type of person that you could spend 5 minutes with and think you knew everything about her, but after an hour you realized you didn't know anything. Where she might have thought Suji would have held on to that secret, if for no other reason than to make Alain's life easier, of course Suji would do the opposite out of respect. Cassie wondered briefly if Alain realized the kind of tests he must have passed to earn that kind of respect from such a person.

And at the same time, she wondered if it meant Suji didn't respect her, as this put her in a tight situation. They'd certainly had their differences in the past, and she could never really count on the young woman to default to obedience if she didn't agree with the terms. It was frustrating, but also part of what made her the force to be reckoned with that she was.

"I can understand why you're upset, and if you'd like to scold me, that's within your right."

[Alain]

Alain just stared at Cassie, his eyes hard, trying to figure out how exactly he wanted to respond. It was so hard to be mad at someone who agreed with you and it was harder to want to hurt someone who was lying down to take punishment. Her offer to be scolded didn't erase his desire to do something but it took scolding off the table. Obviously that wouldn't effect her if she were prepared to just let him do it. Besides, no matter what she said, a calm part of him knew that if it were ever discovered that he'd scolded the leader of the resistance as a mere recruit he would gain a certain sort of reputation and he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with that. Maybe a few people would see him as brave and resolute, refusing to let her rank intimidate him. But others would just see him as insolent and childish and a few people who were insolent and childish would revere him for all the wrong reasons.

"Well thank you for your offer," he said, the nature of the sentence sarcastic though he managed to keep his actual tone level, "but the damage is already done. Scolding won't undo the fact that she knows. All I want to know is how many other people have you told? And when can I expect someone to be told? What are your criteria for revealing my past against my wishes? Global security matters? Whims?"

[Nineteen]

"Aside from Diya's interrogators, Suji and Seiya are the only people who know." Cassie responded without any sign of anger or irritation at his accusations. While he had a right to be upset with her, he did not necessarily have a right to an explanation. As much as Cassie chafed under the weight of military formality, this was not a meeting of equals. Alain had spent a matter of weeks as an Animorph, and no matter how his past marked him, he was still only a recruit. Every person that knew about his past was someone who, if ranks were more strictly observed, outstripped him by years worth of service.

And who never willingly submitted to the Empire. Cassie pushed that thought away. At some point you had to forgive people their failings, and Alain was doing his best to atone for his past mistakes. Still, she was only human, despite what everyone else seemed to think.

"I have not been wanton with your secret, Alain. Every person that knows is more than trustworthy. That said, even if I had a set 'criteria', I would not share it with you." Seiya knowing would have been easy enough to explain. Cassie did not keep important information about potential recruits from Seiya, and doing so would have compromised the system they were working so hard to put in place.

Explaining Suji, on the other hand, was different. It was more than a whim, but definitely not a matter of global security. It had been training. Before Dallas, Suji had a tendency to see the world in black and white. There were Yeerks and there were Animorphs, enemies and (sometimes far too weak) allies. Being friends with Luce while she and Sedra had fallen in love had helped to broaden her outlook. Meeting with Liamot in Dallas had done the same, even if it was more tragic.

Telling Suji about Alain, even sending Suji to the same camp as he'd been stationed, had been a subtle part of that same lesson. You had to work with what the world gave you, and the line between friend and foe was one that wasn't just blurry: it was frequently crossed. Every time she tried to build a rock-solid code of right and wrong, she'd been broken upon it. It was a hard lesson to teach, but Cassie already knew it was working.

None of this she could tell Alain, and she certainly couldn't tell Suji. Because in the end, it amounted to one thing. She'd used Alain's history, even him himself, as training. Grooming. It was a tiny seed, but one day it could make the difference. One day, if the worst happened. Cassie looked back over to him. "I'm sorry Alain." And she was -- even if she knew she'd do it again, if she was given the choice. It wasn't fair to him.

[Alain]

Alain didn't say anything for a long time. She was sorry, except she wasn't, he could see that in her face. She may have regretted how things had fallen out because of her choices but she'd make them again. Cassie wasn't the only one decent at reading faces and perhaps she'd grown too comfortable with everyone being her fan. Alain had never liked her much. Despite his hatred for Diya the way Cassie had played to the yeerks hopes had disgusted him a bit. Aftewards, Alain had taken her offer of relocation and left her faction, never planning on having any more dealings with her. He'd had no reason to believe that he would ever see her again or need to deal with her. Only Suji had changed that. He'd wanted to see her again but that meant seeing Suji's master.

He'd dealt with it and decided doing what he believed was right was more important than his dislike for the woman who had freed him. But when she'd tried to first demand and then manipulate him into playing the role she wanted for him his dislike had been confirmed. The fact that Seiya was complacent in it didn't speak terribly highly of him but Seiya had eventually earned his respect on his own terms as had the rest of the Academy and the people here.

Alain liked the animorphs, he liked Jullian and Nineteen, Suji and Dustin. He respected Seiya. But, looking at the woman across the table who held all of their leashes, he realized just how much he didn't like her. Even the way Suji had described her when she'd revealed she knew about Alain had made him question why everyone served her. Cassie had seemed to like to play God with everyone's lives, moving them around based on what she felt was best for them. Maybe she'd been good at it once but now she was merely effective, which was not always the same thing. She'd been doing it too long and she'd lost touch with the people she claimed to lead and to know.

Absolute power corrupted people, especially those with the best intentions, and Cassie seemed to pride herself on how good she was. It had led her into a dangerous sort of pride and, as he had the thought, he almost thought he heard the devil laughing.

He looked into the habitually kind eyes across from him and saw no actual kindness there. The look had simply become another tool she used to deal and manipulate the people under her and Alain pulled away from it, refusing to be tricked into the same submissive acceptance of her judgement. No matter what she had accomplished in the war Cassie was still a human and everyone else seemed to have forgotten that.

"You can keep your apology," Alain said as he stood up. "Unless there is anything else you need from me I think I'll be going."

[Nineteen]

Alain's reaction was about as good as Cassie could have hoped for. It was clear that he wasn't impressed with her response, and not impressed with her on a whole. While part of her would always be upset when people didn't like her, she knew that he had a good reason not to. She couldn't let it bother her. Cassie wasn't here to be liked.

He stood to leave. Cassie thought about telling him to stay, about trying to see what faction he thought he would work best in. But that would require revealing that Suji was in the short-list for faction leader, and Cassie and Seiya were the only ones who knew that at this time. She couldn't risk that Alain would turn around and tell Suji, as Suji had with him. It had to come from her and Seiya. Maybe after the announcements there would be time for that.

"No. Have a good day, Alain."