Negative Space (Kovu)

[Jullian]

Jullian stretched and tried to get comfortable on his bed. It was early to be going to sleep but since he didn't have a class to teach he'd thought he'd try to turn in early, maybe just catch a nap before seeking out Matt's or Tess' company for a game of chess or checkers or maybe just some conversation. He often sought out the young couple and they would share a meal together, carrying trays of food from the mess hall. Jullian enjoyed the quiet evenings but he always left with a dull ache in his chest and a slight sense of guilt pulling at his heart.

As much as he enjoyed Matt's company shouldn't he have been seeking out Kovu's? Kovu was his boyfriend. Kovu was the one who had been with him through, not one, but two drastic location changes. Kovu had been there for him when many others had not and yet Jullian had found himself avoiding the older boy's company of late. At first he didn't admit to himself that that was what he was doing. He told himself he was simply getting to know Adamo or that it had been too long since he'd spoken with Matt. But he had to admit the truth to himself eventually and tonight it would not seem to leave him alone long enough for him to escape it and the desperate sadness the thought brought him by falling asleep.

He sat up and turned on the light in his small room. There were bigger ones to be had but after a year spent living in the tight and sparse accommodations of most Animorph lodgings he'd found the larger rooms too big for him. He'd opted to take a smaller room instead and had made the place quite comfortable, decorating it with more of the home made rugs that could be found covering the floor of his classroom. Instead of using the fluorescent and harsh lighting provided in the ceiling Jullian had found a few lamp like things that gave off an orange, yellowish glow that reminded him of firelight and had squirreled them away to his room as well. The soft lighting added to the cozy atmosphere and was enough to lull him to sleep most nights, but not tonight.

He climbed out of bed and palmed open his door. Unlike those of the recruits, his door was personalized and could only be opened by him or someone he'd keyed into the door as well. He hadn't asked Kovu if he wanted access to the room. It had seemed only logical that Kovu should be able to get in, there was no one Jules trusted more, but for some reason the words had stuck in his throat when he had thought about asking him.

That was what it was like often these days. His relationship was defined more by what they did not say and what they did not do than what they did. It was like a drawing exercise he'd done in school. Everything was defined by the empty, negative space between the objects instead of the objects themselves.

He walked down the hallway towards Kovu's room. It wasn't that far away and he soon found himself standing outside of it, bare feet chilled slightly by the bare metal of the hull. He knocked lightly on the door, a part of him hoping Kovu was still up and in his room and the other part of him hoping just as strongly that he wasn't. Now that he'd made the decision to talk to Kovu about what had been bothering him he was eager to put of the execution of that decision as long as possible. If Kovu wasn't here he could go back to his room and tell his guilty conscious that he had tried and he wouldn't be lying. Maybe it would let him sleep then.

But before the sound of his third knock had faded away Jullian heard the sounds of someone moving around inside the room. He had a panicked moment when he wondered what would happen if the door opened and it was Stevie instead of Kovu, or maybe Sarah, or even Adamo. What would he say or think or do or-

The door opened and he saw Kovu standing there. "Um, hello," Jullian said as if he was talking to someone he hardly knew, his embarrassing moment of panic forcing him to fall back on polite mannerisms while he tried to gather his thoughts. "Can we talk?" he asked hopefully.

[Kovu]

Kovu had been sitting in his room, a book cradled between his hands. He had never been too interested in reading, but for some reason this one had caught his eye. He had found it back in Boston outside a abandoned book store, apparently it was a best seller, but he had never heard of it. He put down the book for a bit.

He had to do this often, he hated when that happened. Some points in the book just forced him to sit back and take it in. So he sat there and stared at the ceileing while he thought about everything he just read. After staring at the ceiling for awhile he turned on his side, and looked around his small room.

It was a nice cozy room, it didn't have much, but it was cozy. There were two dark chairs, and one cream colored bed. The floor was carpeted, for some reason it had been that way when he arrived. He guessed the controller that lived here hated the cold floor or something like that. Sure, the color completely clashed with the rest of the room, but still, carpet is carpet.

He heard the knock, and shuffled to his feet. His arm hit the chair as it swung, making a good deal of noise. He hoped it was Jullian, he had been meaning to talk to him lately, but he couldn'tfind the exact right words to use. He had been thinking about it for a long time, but still no erfect words would come. He just hoped that if he could just talk to him the right words would come.

Kovu knew that would have to happen soon. He saw the way Jullian looked at him, he looked scared, and worried. Kovu knew that if he didn't adress it soon, it would get out of hand, and he'd be back in the gutter. Kovu had almost talked to him about it oncem but then Gabriel fell and hurt himself. That obviously wouldn't be the appropriate situation.

So Kovu was presently suprised when he found Jullian at the door. However, his heart sank when he saw the expression on Jullian's face. The expreesion was one of fear, and a bit of sadness. This was either going to go great, or it would be total hell. Kovu stood stunned for a few seconds, a bit taken aback by the severity of the situation, but finally he managed to speak.

"Sure come on in." Kovu moved aside, and after Jullian entered, Kovu sat n the chair and spoke softly. "This is aout the way I've been acting around the recruits lately isn't it?" Kovu sighed, he wasn't sure how this conversation was going to go, but he still chose his next words carefully. "Even if it isn't, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, I just haven't been able to find the correct words to show exactly what's going on." Kovu then spoke when a sudden confidence. "But i think I know now, but first, what did you want to talk about?" Kovu gave him a curious expression

[Jullian]

Jullian was ushered inside and before he could get all of his thoughts together Kovu started talking. Jullian looked around for a chair and sat down in one that was still slightly moving. He steadied it as he sat down and he turned to listen to Kovu, a confused expression on his face.

Was that why he was here? Because of how Kovu had been treating the recruits? Well, it was kind of that but it was more than that too. Even the way he acted when he was alone, training with the guns or the knives or even just morphing training. It was like he was gearing up for a war. And should Jullian be surprised or disturbed by that? They were in a war. Maybe he just couldn't accept that Kovu was becoming the soldier they were all supposed to be at a time when Jullian was pulling away from the fight and hiding in teaching.

"Um...I, I guess you can speak first if you know what you want to say," Jullian said quietly. "I'm not sure what I want to say so..." he trailed off and then just made a 'go ahead' motion with his hand. "You can go first."

[Kovu]

Kovu felt suddenly cold. They way Jules spoke sent shivers up his spine. "This talk has been postponed too long." He though. "What if it was too late? What if he couldn't explain well enough? What if Jules didn't understand?" All thesefears ran through Kovu's head as tried to form his words perfectly, he was afraid, but he would have to speak, have to explain himself.

Kovu's bare toes ruffled the tendrils of the carpet, the little warmth that came from the ground was little comfort, but it served its purpose. Kovu sank deep into his chair, the soft fabric helped ease Kovu's frantic mind ans he began his little prepared speech. He wasn't sure how this would turn out, but it had to be done.

Kovu chose his words with extreme tanderness and spoke with a warm, gentle tone. "Have you ever noticed, that when you watch a millitary movie, or see depictions of the army, the drill seargents are incredibly mean, sometimes cruel?" Kovu waited for a response then moved on, satisfied with his speech so far.

"Well, that isn't a coincidence. There is something that millitary leaders know, something that helps prepare soldiers for the battlefeild, and something that build better warriors." Kovu paused for a second, continuing to think about every word he spoke. The next word were crucial, not the most important part o all, but it was very important.

"That thing is anger. Anger focuses soldiers, it gives them an outlet for all their emotions, and pushes them to do better in all aspects of being a soldier. It also pulls soldiers together, and even prepares them for battle. Without it, soldiers are unprepared, and end up with a huge shock when they enter a battle."

Kovu continued to speak, not wanting to stop long enough for Jullian to respond, partly out of fear of what Jullian would say, and partly because kovu still hadn't explained his part in all this. "Well, we needed an instructer like that. I'm sure you know who that had to be." Kovu looked down as he said this, somewhat ashamed of the way he had been acting.

"There were only three candidates. You, me and Matt. Matt couldn't do it, he see's only a few student's. As for you." At this point Kovu sighed, "I wanted to protect you. I didn't want you tp have tp act the way that you had to. I couldn't bear to see you do that, so i took the role myself." Kovu looked down, he wasn't sure what to say.

"The role is neccessary, I hate doing it. I hate training every day so I can be perect with my studets. I hate acting so cold and cruel. I hate watching the way you look at me and not being able to reassure you in front of everyone. It has to be done though, I just wanted to protect you. If you hate me for it I understand, just know I had you in mind." Kovu went silent and waited for a response.

[Jullian]

Jullian felt a flash of anger as he heard Kovu's explanation for his recent behavior and it only grew the longer Kovu talked but instead of shouting him down or lashing out Jullian forced himself to stop and think about why he was angry.

It wasn't hard to pinpoint. People had been trying to protect Jullian all his life and he hated it. It made him feel weak and helpless and he tried to push it away whenever he felt someone was doing it. To hear that Kovu had been trying to protect him...he stood up and turned away.

He had come here worried and sad but now both emotions were very far away from his heart. He ran a hand through his slightly unruly hair. He had started to let it grow out and it sometimes fell into his eyes now. it was a little annoying, especially when it was always around his ears. But he'd found he liked it better this way.

He turned back to look at Kovu and gave a slight twitch of his head to get the hair out of his eyes. The movement had become unconscious by this point and he wasn't even aware he'd done it. He thought about yelling but he knew it wouldn't help. All it would do was push Kovu away and make him feel bad about the whole situation. Jullian would feel justified for about a minute...and then he would just be alone and angry at himself. He had to do what was best in the long term instead of just the short. God, was he starting to grow up?

"You don't...I don't need you to protect me from things like that Kovu. I'm not your little brother, I'm your comrade. I've been in this fight as long as you have, longer actually. And I've been through just as much. Do you think trying to protect me from the world is going to make things easier? You just got through explaining to me why you have to be tough on your students to prepare them for what is out there and yet you want to protect me as if I won't have to face what they face, as if I haven't faced it already."

He walked over and sat back down in the chair he'd recently vacated, leaning back into it a bit before looking over at Kovu again. "My best friend died," he said slowly with a hint of tears in his voice. He hadn't really spoken about it to anyone. Not even Helena. He'd only briefly mentioned it but he hadn't felt comfortable talking to her. "She died and it was my fault," he said, forcing himself to go slowly so that he could keep control of his voice. "I didn't need someone protecting me Kovu, I didn't need you to be looking outward for all the dangers that could come to me. I just needed you to be...you and to be here. I don't want a protector, I want a partner. And if that's not what you want," Jullian shrugged, sad now at the thought of saying goodbye to Kovu. "If you just want someone to coddle and protect I can't be that person for you, I can't be that person for anyone anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't."

He looked up at Kovu, trying to search his expression to see if he understood. "I want to be here for you too you know. If you are worried about the students and how to be a teacher to them I want you to be able to talk to me about that. That can't happen if you are trying to protect me can it? So what has happened then," Jullian said waving an arm to take in the entire situation they were in now, "we just stop talking and we end up here."

[Kovu]

Kovu watched Jullian's movements with an accurate eye, he could usually read Jullian's emotions, now was no exception. Kovu sensed a deep anger forming within Jullian. This was something he was unprepared for, sure, he had told Jules he was ok if he was angry, but he hadn't actually expected it. Kovu looked down, half expeccting Jullian to walk out now.

When Jullian sat down, Kovu felt a slight hint of hope, but looked up, and still saw that crudely disguised anger. As Jules began to speak, his tone came out soft. Kovu was expecting this. He knew no matter how angry, Jules was not one to yell, especially at him. Still, a hint of anger hung in his voice.

Kovu sighed, this was the first fight they had had. It was bound to heppen eventually, but Kovu didn't want it to happen. The problem was, this was either going to end with their relationship strengthened, or ripped apart. Kovu wasn't sure which direction this particular fight was headed in, and that scared him, but he listened intently as Jullian spoke.

As Jules finished his speech, Kovu studied him. He saw something different in him, whether he hadn't noticed it, or whether he had been denying this change was a mystery, but Jullian had changed. There was a certain hardness about him now. A certain hardness that came only from going through something terrible.

Then, that question rang through Kovu's head, almost simotaneously with the first realization. Do I still like him? He didn't have to think for long. The answer rang out like a bell that peirced the night with its sudden chime. Yes, it rang, of course. Kovu looked at Jullian with deep understanding, and an even greater respect.

Kovu stood up, he was by Jullians seat before he had even realized it. He was in a sort of Haze as he spoke. "You know Jullian, you have grown so much during the past few weeks, maybe I didn't even realize it. I'm sorry, I never wanted you to feel like someone I was ust trying to protect, I never wanted it that way and still do not."

Kovu continued. "I want someone that I can talk to, someone I can be myself around, someone I can come to when I need somebody, and someone that can be by my side. I do want a partner, and i want that partner to be you." Kovu stared into Jullian's eyes, looking for signs that he was getting across. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through lately, I'm sorry that I have been acting like a protector instead of a partner. But I want to be with you Jules, and I don't want to lose you." Kovu finished, and waited, desperate for some sign of understanding.

[Jullian]

Jule's jaw dropped in shock a little. He hadn't expected that from Kovu but that just proved that Kovu wasn't the only one who hadn't seen the changes in his partner. Kovu had grown...harder wasn't the right word though it was one that Jullian would have used before coming here tonight. No, looking into Kovu's eyes now Jullian realized he wasn't harder he was just more settled. It was as if he'd found himself and he was grounded now, hard to shake and hard to scare.

"Kovu," Jullian said searching for words to match the ones he's just heard but he couldn't find any. What did you say to something like that? Me too seemed awfully inadequate. "I think you missed your calling as a poet," he said with a slight laugh before looking away, trying to drain the tension from the situation and get back on solid ground. Kovu's words had made him feel like...well he was having trouble thinking very clearly.

He looked back to see Kovu still staring at him with the same intensity that he rarely showed and a good thing he didn't, it was hard to deal with. Jullian realized that he had to meet Kovu's intensity with his own. Kovu had just laid his heart on the table and Jullian just couldn't let the moment go by without saying anything.

Jullian smiled softly at him and his hand came up unbidden to cup Kovu's cheek. "I don't know how you manage to say the right thing but I'm glad you do," Jullian said quietly but the anger that had laced his voice a moment before had completely evaporated leaving only a deeply felt contentment and a hint of excitement. "It's not enough to say that I feel the same way but it's all I can think of."

[Kovu]

Kovu smiled broadly as Jullian spoke. Kovu noticed the anger had totally disapated in the room, all that was left was deep hapiness and a hint of something else, excitement maybe. Kovu looked at Jullian as he finished speaking and tried to keep a serious face, him, a poet? That was definately not an adjectivemost people would use, still it was flattering.

Kovu then resumed speaking. "Jules, you don't need to say anything, I know the way you feel just by looking at you. I don't think I'm a poet, I still can't find words good enough to say how I feel about you, I don't think there are any words to describe that." Kovu paused, trying to find more words, he was running out of things to say.

"I'm just glad knowing that you feel the same way about me." Kovu leaned over, and placed a gentle kiss upon Jullians lips. He pulled back slowly, then smiled. He had run out of words, he just hoped what he had said made an impact, and showed Jullian that Kovu loved him, and was ready to do anything to make this work.

[Jullian]

Jullian ruined the kiss a little by smiling. He couldn't help it. Kovu made him feel like he wasn't so alone in the middle of this crazy situation. Even at home, where he'd known beyond a shadow of a doubt that his family had loved him and would always be there for him, he had never felt as accepted and as valued for who he was as he felt with Kovu. His family had loved him but they had made no secret of the fact that they hadn't understood him. And how could they when he'd hardly understood himself.

In a misguided attempt to help him his brothers had always tried to toughen him up. They worried about him and they had worried he'd get picked on for being so, well, gay. At the time it had just hurt. It had felt like they were constantly telling him he wasn't good enough. Older now, and hopefully a little wiser, he understood that they had done what they'd done out of concern. But it didn't completely erase the scars.

But Kovu had never made him feel that way. Even when Kovu had liked Aubrey and Jullian had felt like an invisible best friend he'd never felt judged or looked down on.

"I'm glad your here," Jullian said as he stood up and pulled Kovu up with him. It had felt odd to be on slightly different eye-lines and yet it probably would have been silly for them both to kneel on the floor so he'd opted to stand up instead.

When they were both on their feet Jullian pulled Kovu into a hug and took the time to lean his head on Kovu's chest. He was a little depressed to realize that it was harder than it used to be. He was growing and soon they'd be the same height. "I don't tell you enough, but I am."

[Kovu]

Kovu let himself be pulled into the hug. He didn't say anything, for there was nothing to be said, his feelings and Julian's feelings radiated about the room. It's wasn't hard, and it wasn't forced, instead it was soft and sweet and comforting. This warm energy enveloped him, and he was on the verge of tears, why, he didn't know, but there it was.

Kovu pulled Jullian closer, the heat of his body warming him. He wasn't sure what to say, if he should say anything at all. In the end he just rested his chin on Jullians head and softly spoke the three words that had been dying to come out. "I love you." The soft words, barely audible, rang out around the room.