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Post by Suji on Sept 16, 2009 1:10:47 GMT -5
Out here the bird don't sing,
Out here the field don't blow.
Out here the bell don't ring,
Out here the bell don't ring...
Out here the good girls die.
Another day of resting, and it was night again. Suji had thrown up several times during the day when she tried to eat, but eventually she'd gotten something that could have constituted a meal into her stomach and kept it there. By this point she was used to moving around at night: they'd had to do it to avoid the desert's heat on the trekk from Dallas.
She liked it better, too. Even with patrols and the waging war, an Air Force Base full of teenagers still seemed to keep somewhat regular quiet hours. There wasn't any Internet or television to keep people up at odd hours... they had nightmares and desperate prayers for that. But both of those were largely private, and were best done when you were trying, or at least pretending to try, to sleep. When people moved about at night they didn't want to interact with anyone else. It helped Suji avoid having to talk with people. She might have felt guilty for it, if there weren't much more deserving items on her list of things to feel bad over. The Vegas faction showed her hospitality, and she hadn't met up with all of the Dallas faction yet. The time hadn't come for that -- it would, and soon, but for now she could escape that a little bit longer.
In the fresh pair of clothes that Luce had brought for her, Suji walked nearly silently through the barracks. She didn't have any shoes, and the linoleum was cool on her feet, the soles of which were still tender and torn from wearing nothing but a pair of flip flops to walk miles on end. Physical pain, at this point, was altogether superfluous. She didn't even register feeling it anymore, it seemed. Probably something to worry about, but she wasn't about to complain. Numbness was a welcome relief.
Eventually she found the location she'd been looking for. She walked down the long row of bunk beds, until she saw an occupied one near the end. Her breath caught in her throat, and she felt herself bite down on her bottom lip. There was still time to turn back...
...back to the sterility of the infirmary, the dim red LED EXIT sign, the smell of the hospital-like linens. Back to loneliness. Back to the companionship that was somehow worse, as long as she was lying in that patient's bed, which meant she had to be cared for, watched over. She didn't want to go back there. But that didn't explain at all why she had to be here. There were dozens and dozens of empty beds in the barracks, and she could have probably found a free officer's room if she tried.
Instead, she rose a fist, and knocked on the wooden frame of a bunk bed a few rows down. There wasn't exactly a door, but it was a start. "Drake?" She called out, nervous.
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Post by Drake on Sept 17, 2009 0:23:43 GMT -5
Drake was crawling through a dark tunnel. He couldn't see and his feet were wet. Slowly at first, the water began to rise. Drake was scrambling around, alone in the dark, trying to find an exit.The water kept rising, but Drake couldn't find an exit. All he could see was a distorted view of the dark metal tunnel. It was like looking at a thousand TV screens with poor picture quality that were all tuned in to a slightly different channel.
Now the water was deep enough that he was no longer able to fight the current. He was swept away into a well of darkness, crashing into walls as he went. There was nothing to hold on to. Nothing to grab at.
Then he stopped.
He was stuck on a net or something, and now the water was slowly receding. Just as Drake was breathing a sigh of relief, he realized he was stuck to the net. Wait, not a net. A web. First Drake couldn't stop moving, and now he couldn't move at all!
Drake felt a disturbance on the web above him him and a chill ran down his spine. He still couldn't see, but he could sense what it was. As the creature moved closer, it let out a sort of rumble like the type of sound a dinosaur might make. He could smell it's foul breath as the crocodile climbed down the net and preceded to swallow drake head first. He knew there would be no escaping this time...
A sharp knocking sound dragged Drake out from his nightmare just in time to avoid being swallowed whole. "Drake?" he heard a voice ask. Drake rolled over in bed (on the top bunk, of course) and squinted his eyes open. It was dark, but there was enough light to make out the shape of Suji.
"Suji? Is something wrong?" Drake didn't even try to mask the tiredness in his voice. "What time is it?"
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Post by Suji on Sept 17, 2009 2:09:51 GMT -5
Suji instantly felt bad when she heard how tired he was. She shrunk back a little, thought about the empty patient's bed, and held her ground. After biting her bottom lip a moment, she replied. "I'm not sure. It's late. Nothing's... nothing's wrong, really." The absurdity of what she was going to ask struck her and her heart banged in her chest like a caged bird.
Better to get it over with.
"This is going to sound silly," Suji prefaced. "But I... I don't want to sleep alone. I, um." Suji ran her hand through her hair, shifting it behind her ear, and looked down at the ground -- all nervous actions hopefully lost in the darkness. "I was wondering, if, I could sleep with- er, sleep somewhere, um, nearby? Nearby you?"
She rubbed the back of her neck. "You can say no. I mean... it's pretty stupid..." She trailed off.
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Post by Drake on Sept 17, 2009 2:31:22 GMT -5
Drake stared at her for a moment in the dark with one eye squinted shut more than the other. He was trying to get his sluggish brain to absorb what she said. He finally figured she was probably having bad dreams too. "Yeah, go for it. There are plenty of beds here to choose from."
Just as he was about to roll back over and try to sleep again, what Suji had said sunk in a little deeper. He understood what she meant a little better. Drake felt his cheeks getting red and he was grateful that Suji wouldn't be able to see them.
"I mean... Well... You could even use this bed if you really want too. After all, bunk beds are made for two people." Drake was a bit ashamed of himself. What kind of person would just shrug off their friend when they come to talk to them in the middle of the night and ask for a place to sleep?
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Post by Suji on Sept 17, 2009 2:54:25 GMT -5
Suji's gut sank to her toes when he told her to pick a bed. Suddenly, the idea of returning back to the solitude and loneliness of the infirmary room she'd been staying in didn't seem so bad. Her mouth went dry and she was already beginning to backpedal when he spoke again.
A bit of the panic in her throat and chest subsided, though not all of it. Should she just leave? What the hell was she asking, anyway? Be a substitute security blanket? Nightlight? Was she five?
All the same, she knew that there was a deep sense of terror and dread inside of her that she was only barely containing most of the time. It was like any time she closed her eyes she'd wake up somewhere else, and everyone would be gone. That the impossible wonder of being reunited with her friends really was impossible, and the world would realize it's mistake and rip it away when she wasn't looking. It was a stupid fear, and in the pre-war world it would probably be irrational... but in a world where an entire city and its population could be demolished in a matter of hours, with no other warning, it wasn't exactly unfathomable.
But she couldn't impose that on him. He'd been sleeping, which meant he could at least get to sleep. And who knew how long that'd taken him? It didn't exactly come easily before Dallas was erased from existence. And she'd come in and woken him up.
"...I'm sorry I woke you up," Suji managed, lamely. "Maybe I'll just- I'll just go back to the infirmary." She felt her jaw twitch involuntarily, and she tried to transform it into a smirk. "Told you it'd be stupid." She stepped back and turned to go, feeling her insides burning. She stopped half-way and looked back. "Sorry again. I just- nevermind. Sorry. Night Drake."
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Post by Drake on Sept 17, 2009 3:08:34 GMT -5
"Suji." Drake felt bad that he had caused her to feel the need to leave. That was not his intention at all. "Hold up a sec." Drake threw off his bed sheets then swung his legs over the side of the bed and slid to the ground. He landed with a dull thud.
"At least let me walk you back." Drake new it was cold outside and he was only wearing boxers and a t-shirt. He grabbed a musty old blanket from an unused bed and flung it over his shoulders. Then he stretched out one of his arms, dragging the blanket out to one side. "You can share if you want. It gets cold out there." Drake figured she already knew that since she got here by walking outside, but he felt compelled to tell her anyway.
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Post by Suji on Sept 17, 2009 21:57:42 GMT -5
Suji was going to tell Drake not to worry about it, but before she could protest, he'd already pushed himself off the bunk bed. She watched him grab a blanket, not sure what she should do. Then he offered to share, and she immediately felt herself step towards him. She slipped under his outstretched arm.
It wasn't that she was worried about the cold. Suji felt numb to most things, and the temperature was one of them. Well, the wasn't entirely true... she certainly felt warmer under the blanket. Taking the edge of the blanket with one hand, she pulled it around her so that he could move his arm back to his side.
As the made their way back through the barracks, Suji couldn't help but be almost painfully aware of where she was stepping. It was a tough act to try to walk under the blanket, matching Drake's pace, while also trying not to bump into him too jarringly. The balancing act between trying to be comfortably distant and close enough to stay under the blanket took a surprising amount of concentration.
When they'd come out into the night air, it was chilly, and Suji was quietly thankful for the blanket. "Do you think..." Suji turned her head to look up at him. "Do you think we could check out the Officer quarters instead? I don't know if my room was taken, but if it wasn't, I'd rather sleep there than the infirmary. I think it's about the same distance if, uh, if you wouldn't mind?"
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Post by Drake on Sept 18, 2009 2:05:20 GMT -5
"Sure, sure. Wherever you want. I can't imagine it would be all that fun to stay in a hospital-type room anyway. We'll just have to be careful to not wake anyone up." Drake walked in silence, contemplating his current proximity to Suji. It was sort of an awkward situation, walking next to Suji, wrapped in a blanket with her. But not awkward in a bad way. Just... not what Drake was used to.
"I wonder who's on patrol," Drake said quietly and casually. He looked around, but couldn't see any people or animals hiding in the shadows. It was just as well. It was bad enough that Drake was making bad attempts at conversation. The last thing he needed was a spectator or two.
Small rocks crunched under Drake's bare feet as they walked. He did his best to hide his discomfort but wasn't surprised that he couldn't completely. At least it wasn't nearly as painful as having a body part sliced off. Or swallowed... Drake's dream flashed in the back of his mind again momentarily before he pushed it aside once more. He had been through some truly horrible stuff since becoming an animorph. They all had.
As the officer's quarters came into view, Drake spoke up again. "Suji? Remember how when after you woke up, you said you wanted to quit being an animorph? I just want to... Well, I just want to let you know that I... I can understand where you were coming from. I can't blame you for making that choice..." Drake let his voice trail off. He wasn't sure he could say that he agreed with her decision, but he definitely couldn't say that he disagreed with it either.
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Post by Suji on Sept 18, 2009 10:47:24 GMT -5
Suji felt herself become a bit more tense as Drake brought up what happened when she woke up. Drake's response -- "just when I become the person I never thought I could be, you find out you can't become the person you thought you could" -- was still fresh in her mind. It had stung pretty deep, certainly not because Drake meant it to (she doubted he did), but after you spent the past year or so building yourself up as the person people could turn to in a crisis...
She nodded to show that she heard Drake and understood him. "It's selfish," she said quietly. "But I don't know what else to do. You remember the Crayak stuff, right?" Bringing that up was brushing up against really uncomfortable territory, but if she couldn't tell Drake, she couldn't tell anyone. He'd been the one she confided in when she first started coming to grips with the possible (likely) reality of the equivalent of the Devil in all of this. Just saying the name made her think of the moments in the Hive, the slow-down of time which forced her to leave Fin. The voice in her head...
God, just the memory of That Voice was almost as bad as how it felt to actually have to leave one of her own behind in the first place.
Suji bit her lip, but forced herself to out with it. "I feel like some of the horrible things I've done have just been... just been grooming experiences, if that makes sense. Like a terrible job interview, or something. I can't be a part of it. It just gets worse and worse, and I can't be involved anymore. I don't know if that just means someone fills my shoes, but... I just... I can't."
She looked up at him worriedly. "Fighting in a war is bad enough, even if you believe in it. And I still do. But I can't be the tool of some supernatural, omnipotent being that's using me to what, to cause the most harm to the most people possible? Fuck that. I'm probably hurting everyone more than I ever helped them."
And the kicker wasn't just that she'd been a tool. It was that she'd been such a good one.
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Post by Drake on Sept 20, 2009 1:00:51 GMT -5
Even though Drake was close enough to share the blanket with Suji, it suddenly felt as if there was ten feet between them. Just mentioning the name Crayak was enough to put distance between them. Drake had never experienced this so-called superbeing, and never wanted to. He wasn't even sure he believed that Crayak existed. But people more grounded in reality than Drake believed he existed, so he tried to keep an open mind.
Still, the main distancer was when Suji claimed that she was probably hurting everyone more than she ever helped them. It struck a cord in Drake. This girl had helped Drake get out of more sticky situations than he cared to admit, so it was a bit of a shock to find out that she felt this way.
"Suji, I don't care who is pulling the strings. If they are pulling the strings. You have personally helped save my life, literally, on many occasions. The warehouse in Dallas, the vent in the Temple, the coyote that attacked me... If you weren't there, I wouldn't be here."
Drake took a deep breath of the cool night air before continuing. "So basically if I'm still alive because of you, then it can't be all bad, right?" Drake let out a weak laugh. "Besides, what have you ever done that was so bad anyway? The dam? Dallas? I was there for both of those too, remember?"
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Post by Suji on Sept 20, 2009 1:50:55 GMT -5
Suji couldn't meet Drake's eyes when he said that she'd saved his life. Maybe she had. Well, yes, she had. But she didn't keep track of those sorts of things. Especially not when it came to Drake. Remembering the trouble he'd been in made her extremely uncomfortable.
She instantly began to dismiss what he was saying, and fought the urge to do so. There was some truth in it, right? She had done some good things. If she couldn't admit that, then her view about the horrible things she'd done would be skewed.
Still looking at the ground as they walked, she said quietly, "It hasn't been all bad, no. But Drake..." Her brow furrowed a little as she paused, then looked back up to him. "Just trust me. Come Judgement Day..." She shook her head. They were almost to the Officer quarters now.
"I think I was forced to leave Fin behind. No -- I know I was." She licked her lips. "I heard him. Crayak. It was terrible. Like nails on a chalkboard or a drill against your teeth, except all over your body..." Her lips pursed tightly. "I don't want any of you used against me, or to be used against you. The idea of being broken in, trained, whatever, for something worse than..." Suji pulled her side of the blanket a little closer.
She should have told him. She should have told him what the cost had been for buying Fin's freedom.
Suji searched his face. No, she thought. She couldn't. Part of her reasoned that it wouldn't be fair to tell him -- he deserved to think that someone who had saved him wasn't actually a monster. But the truth was that mostly, she couldn't stand the idea of him knowing just how un-heroic she was. Not now. Not when they were sharing a blanket, when it was the middle of the night, when they were talking together...
The gravel gave way to a paved walkway, which was a lot easier to walk on.
"I wonder if anyone let Aida know that Fin was okay. If I showed up alive and without him, she'd probably hunt me down and kill me for good." She smirked dryly. "Is there something you guys are supposed to be doing? I mean, something anyone is supposed to be doing? Or is the official message just to lick our wounds?"
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Post by Drake on Sept 21, 2009 16:23:43 GMT -5
"It hasn't been all bad, no. But Drake... Just trust me. Come Judgement Day..." Drake had no response to that. How could he respond? They had all done things that were regrettable. They had all made mistakes. Drake saying that what Suji did was A-OK would be saying the same about himself. Drake didn't think they would be condemned on judgement day but... they weren't exactly innocent either. "I think I was forced to leave Fin behind. No -- I know I was. I heard him. Crayak. It was terrible. Like nails on a chalkboard or a drill against your teeth, except all over your body... I don't want any of you used against me, or to be used against you. The idea of being broken in, trained, whatever, for something worse than..." Just the description of Crayak sent chills up his spine. He could hardly imagine something like that existing. He could hardly believe in something like that existing. But he believed Suji. The way she said it let him know that she wasn't making anything up. So at the very least, Suji believed that what she was saying was the truth. And if Drake was remembering correctly, Suji originally thought the very idea of Crayak was absurd. Yet Drake still could not find any words appropriate for this conversation. So instead he just stared at the ground as they walked. They were almost to their destination anyway. A big long philosophical chat was not what they needed to start at the moment. Probably... "I wonder if anyone let Aida know that Fin was okay. If I showed up alive and without him, she'd probably hunt me down and kill me for good. Is there something you guys are supposed to be doing? I mean, something anyone is supposed to be doing? Or is the official message just to lick our wounds?" Finally, a smile spread across Drake's face and a small bark of laughter escaped his lips. Drake finally found words for some sort of a response. "Yeah, but now that you did save him, Aida will probably want you to be the maid of honor in her wedding." Drake chuckled a bit before replying to Suji's other question. "As for what we are supposed to be doing, I'm not sure. I think recovering is pretty much it for now. I went out on a mission with Diana the other day, but other than that I haven't really done anything worthwhile." Drake shrugged and looked over at the infirmiry door they were standing in front of. "Maybe I'll ask Steve tomorrow." Drake stood in awkward silence, suddenly not knowing what to say again. Did he say goodnight? Sweet dreams? Was he supposed to walk her to her room? Why was it never this difficult before? |
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Post by Suji on Sept 23, 2009 1:19:14 GMT -5
Suji felt something change inside her when Drake laughed, even if it was a short one (and in response to her somewhat morbid joke). For a moment she felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders, and some of the stress and self-loathing melted away. She smiled back at him. "Don't count on it. She'd find a reason to be furious with me long before we even got to the rehearsal. I wouldn't have it any other way," she said with a smirk.
The conversation came to a quick close as they stood outside of the Officer's quarters. Hopefully her room was still vacant -- though if it wasn't, she wasn't particularly sleepy at the moment either. She felt better than she had in a good long while just chatting and walking with Drake, and it almost seemed like going to sleep would be a waste of a good evening. At the same time, if she waited till it wore off, which couldn't be that long, she probably wouldn't be able to sleep at all.
"Um," Suji said helpfully. She tried to think, quickly, of something to say that would allow him to leave gracefully... but her selfish desire for him not to leave somewhat intervened. In the end, she compromised. "Sure you don't want to see if your room's been taken or not? Just takes a quick peek. The beds are more comfortable than the bunk beds, and definitely bigger." Suji tried not to look guilty as she suggested it, so that maybe he wouldn't see that it was at least half a ploy to get him to be closer. On the other hand, it was easy enough for him to decline without risking a strained goodbye. After all, he could just say that he'd gotten used to the bunk bed, or whatever. Which would make perfect sense.
Either way, everyone walked away without having to address how awkward this was, right?
...and it wasn't like she was lying. The Officer beds were nicer, and they had actual rooms. So, yes, she was just doing him a favor by suggesting it.
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Post by Drake on Sept 24, 2009 1:07:17 GMT -5
Drake suddenly felt his cheeks turning red again, but wasn't sure why. "Thanks, but I think I'll keep my spot in the barracks. There's lots of extra room in there. I was actually thinking of pushing a few of the bunk bets together to make a superbed, so..." There was another awkward pause.
"Anyway," Drake turned around in a full circle, exiting the blanket as he did. "You can keep that. I got extras." Drake still was unsure of how to say goodnight. "Well... take care? I guess I'll see you tomorrow..." Drake began walking back toward his bed, arms crossed over his chest for warmth. He kept half-glancing back to make sure Suji wasn't locked out or something. At least that's what he told himself.
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Post by Suji on Sept 24, 2009 12:19:43 GMT -5
Suji felt a mixture of disappointment and relief. If he had accepted to check and see if his room was free it would only really be delaying the inevitable. He left her wrapped in the blanket, and while she wanted to protest -- he was the one that had to walk back to the barracks, after all -- it occurred to her that it was a friendly gesture and it might just be more awkward if she tried to give it back.
"Good night," Suji said after a painfully awkward goodbye. As she opened the door she looked back once, feeling a bit guilty about accepting the blanket. Drake apparently was looking back too, for whatever reason, and Suji blushed furiously as she quickly turned back and slipped inside. She went from being a bit chilly to an uncomfortable, embarrassed warmth in seconds.
Alone again, Suji pulled the blanket tighter around herself, and went to where her room had been months before. After a quick search she found that it was unoccupied, though there were crates of storage packed into the corner. She couldn't quite make out what all of them were, but a few seemed to be filled with instant oatmeal.
Shedding her outer clothing, Suji wrapped herself in the same blanket again, and then crawled into bed. It was a bit dusty, but comfortable. She pulled the blanket that Drake had given her up over her head, and turned on her side. Doing her best to try and not think about anything, Suji willed herself to go to sleep. For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, it worked.
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