The Girl Who Sold the World

[Suji]

Suji smirked, hanging her head for a moment. "The point of guilt and feeling bad isn't to be heard or understood. It's just to get inside and eat you up and to teach you not to keep doing whatever it is that's making you feel that way in the first place. But, of course, damned if you do, damned if you don't. We've all got this spectacular ability to feel bad for whatever we do: fight or hide." She crossed her arms loosely.

"Even if we did get to retire, it wouldn't make up for it all," she sighed. She looked over at Luce, still half-smirking, without any real joy in it. "I still believe in fighting for us, though. Humanity. That we're worth fighting for. Well, maybe not us -- I think even the noblest Animorph probably ends up with a burned-out soul from all the choosing between lesser evils. But the next generation. Like the kids we rescued."

Suji felt herself frowning just thinking about it. It was horrifying. It was unforgivable. But by saying that she wouldn't fight any more, she was saying that she was giving up on all the children caught in that situation. All the kids that would be caught in it... until what, the end of humanity? Till the Yeerks controlled humans so long that there wasn't even one alive that knew that at one point, they had been a free race?

How could Suji say that, and still refuse to fight? She closed her eyes. "I want to tell you a bit of a story. It's not really the beginning, or the end, and I'm not sure if you're familiar with... with Crayak or not. But it's the only way I can begin to explain."

Suji inhaled deeply, and then began to tell a shortened version of a particular story.

[Jullian]

Luce listened quietly as Suji talked about Crayak. As each part of the story was revealed Luce found herself internally searching her own memories looking for any similarities to Suji's experience. But if any deity-like being had played a part in her life it had never deemed to make its presence known to her. If anything she had felt just the opposite. She'd felt abandoned by the universe and the place within her soul where here moral compass resided had been screamingly, devastatingly empty for a long time. But one thing did strike a cord with her. When she heard Suji talk of being a tool in someone else's hands she felt a moment of bitterness. She knew that feeling. If the hands that had pointed her were human instead of god what was the difference. She'd allowed herself to be pointed anyway.

"At least you can lay your sins at someone else's feet," Luce said quietly, the bitterness seeping into her voice. She knew the statement was partially unfair and untrue. Suji wasn't saying that her actions were someone else's fault, not even a god's or whatever this Crayak was. But a part of Luce wished that she could claim all the things she'd done she'd been manipulated into by someone else's agenda.

"I'm sorry," she said a moment later, letting the bitterness go. The past was the past and the only thing she could do to atone for her sins was to live better in the future. "That was unfair. I'm just-" the word on the tip of her tongue was tired but she realized she wasn't really tired, at least not in a way that would be fixed by sleep. It wasn't even the exhaustion of the guilty. She wasn't tired she was...lonely. She missed Sedra and it was an ache that just didn't seem to go away.

She laughed weakly, the bitterness she'd felt a moment before multiplied by ten and clearly the motivator of the sound that held no joy. She had never expected to feel this way about anyone and certainly hadn't planned on pining for the rest of her life. She had never understood that emotion before and she wanted to push it away now.

She used to believe that those claiming to suffer from broken hearts were just people who could not acknowledge reality and the ending of their connection to someone. She had never been someone who couldn't face the reality of a situation, no matter how bleak it seemed. But, despite spending the past few weeks trying to force herself to accept the new situation, there was still a part of her that refused to accept it and it was this part of her that she just wished she could cut out and throw away so that it would stop causing her so many problems. And yet she clung to it too because it was all she had left of something that had meant so much. It was worse than a poor replacement for Sedra, it was a mockery of it, but it was better than nothing, at least so far it had been since she'd been unable to give it up.

"God I hate all of this," she said in the same tone she'd been using the whole night, a quiet and steady voice only flavored by the emotions of the moment, in this case anger along with many other things she'd have trouble putting a name too. "Why can't we just be happy?" She didn't really know what she was asking. Did someone out there determine their fate? And if so, what type of person had dreamt of their present circumstances and been cruel enough to actually put them here, to bring them to this point? Was there any meaning to it?

"Maybe we should ask Crayak," Luce said, "or the Ellimist. Think either one would answer?"

[Suji]

Involuntarily, Suji's lips pulled back into a snarl when Luce mentioned speaking to Crayak. It was one thing to talk about Him... and that was hard enough for her. She wasn't angry with Luce, but her utter hatred for Crayak, for how she'd been played, clearly showed on her features. And maybe Crayak enjoyed seeing it. He probably dealt in hate, and whether it was directed at him or not didn't matter much at all. Still, it ignited inside of her.

Suji had been an atheist only slightly shorter than since she'd stopped believing in Santa Claus. To accept that some unbelievably powerful force was controlling her life was tantamount to accepting that everything she believed -- that people made their own destinies, that every choice (righteous or villainous) mattered, that fighting wasn't pointless -- was a lie. Being confronted by Crayak himself, given evidence that only a fool (and Suji, whatever she was, was not a fool) would deny, had been horrible.

Suji knew exactly what Crayak would say to Luce's question.

"He'd say that we can be happy. All we've got to do is win." That would make you happy, wouldn't it, Animorph? Suji thought to herself, her internal voice nothing but a pale mockery of the memory of when Crayak had broadcasted inside her skull.

And sure: if she were handed the planet on a silver platter, if tomorrow the Yeerks got up and left, would she be happy? Hell, she'd be ecstatic. But it wouldn't be that simple. Either there was no chance of them ever winning and Crayak just wanted to see how bloodthirsty the Animorphs would get before they were crushed, or there was a chance they'd win, but it was a path so drowned in so much blood and tears that you'd have to wade across it to claim your victory. Winning itself would make her happy... whatever Crayak had planned for her between here and there, if "there" existed, would make her incapable of enjoying the glory of it once she reached it.

"As for the Ellimist, who knows? I've never heard anything from him. I guess I'm not worthy. Or I'm a lost cause," she added, bitterly. "The reason I'm telling you all of this though, is that I'd still fight. It's like I said -- I still believe in it, in the desperate hope that three generations from now children aren't born into slavery so complete that they don't even bother putting up cages anymore."

Suji licked her lips. "But in Dallas. Before things got bad -- I had to leave one of my own behind. Fin. I was in charge of him and Aubrey. To make a long story short, there was no way to save him without potentially losing both myself and another Animorph, and I gave the order to leave him- leave him behind." Though it was obvious that she was trying to barrel though the last part, her voice broke and she had to take a moment to collect herself.

"Crayak spoke in my head. I felt him. It was... I could recognize it from a couple times before, like at the Dam, but it was never that strong. It was terrifying. And it was rigged. The whole thing was rigged. For whatever reason, Crayak wanted me to leave Fin there. Maybe Crayak somehow set up the entire destruction of Dallas, who knows.."

Absently, she fiddled with the end of the blanket.

"What I'm getting at, is, the only people I've known who have had that much contact with Crayak are me, Aida, and Fin. I've... I seen what I think is the worse stuff Fin's done. And it doesn't fucking compare to murdering two kids, or boiling thousands of Yeerks alive, or-" Suji thought about Jack, and Liam, and stopped, throat seizing. "So unless Aida has some horrible past as a mass-murderer-rapist I don't know about, I'm the fucking runner-up. And if the one thing I do properly in this war is deprive Crayak of a sharp tool to carve the world to his liking, it'll be worth it."

Suji didn't look up or over at Luce, though her jaw was set and her brow was furrowed in concentration, tears had welled back up and begun to spill down her cheeks again.

[Jullian]

The talk of Crayak served as a welcome distraction from her own pain. That was how bad it was or at least as bad as it seemed. She would rather talk about a evil deity manipulating her best friend to murder than think about what she was missing. It was ridiculously skewed and she hated herself for it, but she welcomed the respite all the same. And a respite it was and a respite only. As soon as she ran out of distractions the feeling would come right back. Damn this war.

Luce's eyes widened a little when Suji spoke of the dam but she didn't have time to ask about it further because Suji just barreled through the rest of what she had to say. It was almost as if she wasn't talking to Luce anymore, just talking because she needed to hear herself say whatever this was out loud.

As she continued Luce had grimaced a little when she heard Suji's internal list of the worst things she'd done. She'd known a bit about what had happened in Chicago but somehow hearing Suji say it like that, murdering two kids. The simplicity of it made it uglier. Stripped of context that was all it was, murder, and maybe Suji was right to strip it down so or maybe not. But Luce's conscience rebelled at condemning Suji for her actions or allowing them to be thought of so plainly. And as for boiling yeerks...well that was one Luce shared.

When she'd finished Luce was quiet for a long time, taking in what she'd said and trying to find something worthwhile to add to the conversation. There was something that was bothering her about Suji's story but for a long time she couldn't see what it was. But when she spotted the incongruity in Crayak's actions as related by Suji she felt like she'd solved the a riddle.

The problem with Suji's story, at least the thing that was bugging her about it, was that it was just that, Suji's story. Suji, from the start to the beginning, was the main character in all of this and so was the only one to shoulder the blame. But Crayak...this wasn't the first time she'd heard of him though she'd never paid him much attention before. Still, she had been in New York when he'd appeared to the faction leaders or at least to Cassie who had told the faction leaders about it later, a story related to her by Rian.

Crayak was a godlike entity. He could be anywhere in the entire universe at any time at will. He was giving Earth some special attention and he was meddling in their lives. That much was obvious, but...

"I think you're right. You're just a piece on the board in this game between Crayak and the Ellimist," Luce said, thinking out loud. "The problem is, the whole universe is their board. We can't step off the board until we're dead, none of us can," she said realizing that what she was saying held true for her as well. "And maybe not even then, who knows." Luce shrugged. "If I'm going to be a piece of someone else's game, and maybe that's all I ever was and will ever be, I have to live like I'm not. If there isn't anything I can do about their game then I have to pretend like they aren't playing." She wasn't really speaking for Suji, or if she was, she was speaking for both of them. "Damned if you do and damned if you don't right? So I'd rather be doing what I want and what I feel to be right and fuck them," she said waving vaguely in the direction of the ceiling.

She looked over at Suji, a little surprised to see her crying. The tears were slowly and silently sliding down her face and in the dim light they had been hard to see but a slight turn of Suji's head caused light to glint off them.

Luce put a hand out, unsure if she should touch Suji but then deciding to anyway. She was not the best at physical comfort but she cared enough to make an attempt. As she did so she was reminded strongly of the many times she had comforted Andrew or Eva and tried to wipe away their tears. But Suji's pains were so much more complicated and heavy than a child's. And yet, for all of that, they had seemed real enough to the children who'd felt them.

Luce realized that she wasn't wrong in her assessment of Suji's story, at least about the part of it where Suji had taken all of the blame onto herself. And why should she be surprised? That was Suji's way. She prided herself on shouldering the burdens no one else seemed to be able to bear and she seemed to get strength from the suffering they caused. It was a twisted source of strength and a hard one to understand in a way but it had always been there for her best friend. And now what? Was it gone?

Perhaps. Suji had shouldered a burden even she couldn't bear and the weight of it was crushing her. At least as far as Luce could see. And it had to bother her that there was a darkness, as personified by this Crayak, that even she couldn't walk into and come out unchanged. It was like she was a candle being burned from both ends and Luce was watching Suji disappear in front of her eyes.

"You take on too much," Luce said quietly gripping Suji's shoulder. "I thought I told you not to do that," she continued, the words a joking reference to Mexico and yet said with complete seriousness. She remembered sitting on that beach and worrying that one day Suji would destroy herself with the extra sins she chose to pick up. Luce only hoped that she was wrong, about all of it. That Suji would angrily brush her hand away and tell her off for presuming to know what was going on. She hoped that was true.

[Suji]

Suji let Luce put her hand on her shoulder, and didn't turn it away. She didn't acknowledge either, save perhaps for lowering her head some more, drawing into herself even further. Luce was probably right. She took on too much. Or she let it affect her too much, one or the other. But if she didn't do the former it would have meant that she wasn't doing everything she could to fight for humanity, and if she didn't do the latter it meant she was allowing herself to forget just how unforgivable some of things she had done were.

"You're right, we don't step off of the board," Suji agreed. Her voice shook a little, but underneath was steel. Beaten, broken, Suji might not have had her dignity any more, and her innocence had long ago been torn away, but she did have determination. If there was a part of her she would never allow Crayak, or this war, to take from her, that was it: her willpower. Once she dedicated herself to what she thought was right, she followed through until proven otherwise, or it killed her. And, perhaps arguably, nothing had managed to kill her yet.

"But it doesn't mean we have to play. And maybe standing still is also part of some grander plan -- but that's not how it felt. I'm not saying some ridiculous, omnipotent being can't outsmart me or keep a dozen steps ahead, but that's not how it felt. And when there's no logical way to predict the moves of a god or a devil, I have to rely on fucking... fucking emotions." She practically spat the word. "But it felt like training camp. It felt like I've been slowly pushed, and pushed, and pushed. And that this was just another, slightly larger one. A test of loyalty. I don't know to what -- I guess to ruthlessness, cold-blooded calculation, since that seems to be the running theme."

She smirked bitterly. "That was part of the incentive for rescuing Fin. It was the least logical thing I could do." It was also the most suicidal, but Suji didn't mention that. It may or may not have been obvious, but it wasn't something you burdened polite company with. Well, especially not when you still weren't sure whether or not just getting rid of yourself might the most beneficial thing to do for your friends and comrades. Then they would blame themselves later on, if you decided it was the best course of action.

"I guess I'm tired of the damn if you do option," she said dryly, though 'tired' wasn't really the right word. The thought of becoming a knowing tool of Crayak was more unbearable than the thought of removing one able-bodied soldier from the resistance forces. Suji had seen the horrors that could come out of a specific person; she'd yet to see any one person accomplish, single-handedly an equal amount of good.

[Drake]

The infirmary didn't have a whole lot of what Drake thought that Suji liked, so he had to make a trip to a different building. Which was just as well since he needed microwave or a stove anyway. It took a little while, but drake eventually scrounged up a platter full of stuff. There was a tall glass of water, a bowl of alphabet soup, some twinkies, a can of grape soda, two walnuts, and an entire box of fruit snack packs.

But Drake didn't give the food to Suji the moment he got back. As he got near the doorway, he could hear her telling the tail end of a story that involved a conversation that he once had with her. He didn't want to interrupt their conversation, so he waited. He leaned against the wall next to the door and just waited.

It was several minutes before Drake felt it would be an acceptable time to bring in the food. He had heard bits and pieces of their conversation, and was a bit ashamed to admit it, but he felt he had done the right thing by letting the two of them talk without him being in the room.

"Hey," he said quietly as he stepped through the doorway. "I brought some snacks." He carried the tray over to where Suji was resting and held it out, prepared to help her lower it onto her lap or a desk or something if need be. He wasn't sure what to say, so all he said was, "Feeling better?"