Post by gabriel on Oct 15, 2009 1:40:23 GMT -5
Fin sat hunched over the old guitar, the cool breeze coming in off of the desert tossing his black curls around his furrowed eyebrows as he frowned down at the strings, working his clumsy and out of practice fingers through various chords.
The sounds coming from the soft guitar were just off enough to make him cry with frustration but he closed his eyes and concentrated on how it was supposed to feel instead of how it was supposed to sound.
His fingers found their rhythm and a few sad and mournful fingerings echoed out into the air and died in the emptiness that surrounded him. He smiled as his fingers remembering their old grace, moving easily through the instrumental opening of the song. It was meant for more guitars than his lonely one but somehow the voice of his one instrument fit the empty, desert night. There was nothing out here. That was why he sought it out. It matched him very well. He sought to fill the emptiness with music.
His fingers plucked at the strings, sending harsh notes into the air. He'd lost his callouses long ago and it left his fingers unprotected and they started to bleed a little, blood rising up through the skin from no wound he could see. It didn't hurt that much, only stung a little and he ignored it in favor of the music. And then Fin began to sing.
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
As Fin sang his voice grew stronger. He'd always been afraid to sing in front of an audience but there was no one here to hear him. He was singing for himself. He was remembering the long drive to Vegas, the flight through enemy lands, the fear that had been kept at bay by pure exhaustion. He remembered the dead weight of Suji in his arms, arms that were not his own. The dirt and small pebbles that had ground into his bare feet as he'd walked across the desert making every foot feel like a tortuous mile. The lights of the base slowly emerging in the distance, shining like stars.
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
this could be heaven or this could be hell
Fin's voice broke a little on the last word and it caught in his throat though he kept playing. He choked back the tears that always seemed so close to the surface now. He didn't know how to keep living like this, caught between fear and death. This could be heaven. It could be safe haven. It could be a homecoming. But it wasn't.
When he was ready he picked the verses back up where he'd left off.
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
His voice started to regain some of its strength. He hadn't come out here to sing a happy song and he didn't feel any joy as the music spiraled away into the night. But he felt a sense of peace. He hadn't talked to anyone about Dallas and about the Hive and the nightmares that kept him away from sleep. He hadn't talked to anyone but he spoke now in the only way he could.
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year, you can find it here
As he moved through the chorus and into the next verse he thought of how Aida had looked on their last day free in the city of Dallas. He remembered the gardens and how beautiful they'd been, a touch of wildness only adding to their allure.
He remembered how she had lightly touched his face and how she had held him. She had understood everything he'd been feeling and she'd accepted him for it. She hadn't told him he was a coward, she hadn't let him believe he was weak. She hadn't made him feel ashamed. She had made him feel loved and safe and wanted.
He remembered looking into her eyes and realizing the gift he'd been given and for once in this war that look, the sight of her, had drowned out the jeering voices in his head. Had quieted his demons, demon...just the one really.
Her mind is tiffany-twisted, she got the mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
He wondered if he'd ever see her again. If she even knew he was alive or if she cared? How could he have let her walk away, walk into danger and all he'd said was...what? He couldn't even remember what his last words to her had been now. That precious memory was choked into silence by what had happened after.
So I called up the captain,
please bring me my wine
He said, we havent had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...
He didn't want to remember what had happened after. He didn't want to remember the fear and the blood and the bright belief that he could make a difference that had flared for a moment before being extinguished by the reality of death and betrayal. Everyone they'd gone to save was dead and he'd been left behind in the bargain.
Leave him. Leave him behind. Leave. Suji's voice echoed in the willful emptiness of his memory. He couldn't make himself forget that. Nor could he forget the laughter, the glee and the satisfaction in it.
What God had he made happy that day?
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
They livin it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis
The words of the chorus sounded sinister to him as he sang them this time around. The false promise of safety and light and family and love. False, all false and he the fool for believing in a mirage.
Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said we are all just prisoners here, of our own device
Aida's sad eyes as she lay dying in the dirt staring at the cloudless sky above her, too tired to keep fighting, naked as the day she was born. Prisoners. But she'd been free. For a moment she'd been free of all of this. And then he'd pulled her back, pulled her back into this world. Prisoners. He'd trapped her in this world again. In the web of human connections that trapped them all.
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just cant kill the beast
They all moved to someone else's strings. He'd played his part to perfection. That was what the laugh had told him. A pat on the head. Good dog. Suji's guilt, his desperate fear, Aida's anger and hatred. He didn't know how he knew that last. He didn't really, he just felt it. Had woken up with the image of hate filled eyes still staring at him. Why had he trapped her here? Why had he called her back?
He didn't know who he was thinking of now, Aida or Suji. It didn't matter really. He had loved them both in his own way. And his love was poison. He'd been a tool and the thing that was breaking him was that his best service had been given in love. All he had to offer, everything that was good inside him, had been twisted and used to destroy. He was trapped. No matter which way he turned he would be a weapon against everything he cared about.
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
relax, said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave...
The last word trailed off and he let the music die with it. Fin looked up at the stars but he could only see the walls of the cage closing in on him, the door closing in front of him. But you can never leave...
Fin burst into tears and let the guitar drop to the ground at his feet and it landed with a dull, hollow thunk.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3afiWbRGjK8
