Post by dexter on Sept 23, 2009 21:07:35 GMT -5
Ember:Ember got restless. How on earth could she sleep after that? The whole afternoon had felt like a roller coaster rushing over her heart strings and tearing paths through uncharted levels of uncontrollable emotion.
She hated that... being so vulnerable to every little thing. In LA she never would have become so violently inconsistent. In her old life Ember kept her cool, aloof from belittling struggles of other people, but all of a sudden she'd flipped out at not being the only second in command? What? And things that didn't even make sense for her to feel were being spouted straight from her brain to her mouth, probably making her sound like a lunatic.
She needed some grounding. She needed some peanut butter.
The kitchen was utterly trashed by the time she'd dug everything from the cabinets to find what appeared to be a year old jar of JIF. But that stuff lasted through nuclear holocaust conditions, so she massacred the drawers to claim a spoon and proceeded to dig to china through the sticky brown goodness.
Luce:Luce looked around dispassionately at the mess that Ember had made of the kitchen. The kitchen was Luce's place of zen. The entire faction came in and out to get food but Luce actually hung out here for hours at a time. She liked the cool gray of the industrial steel stoves, counter tops, cabinets and refrigerators. When she came to the kitchen she was constantly surrounded by nice, cool metal.
Except now the feng shui was completely messed up and a moody young woman was eating peanut butter in her kitchen. Wonderful.
"You know, I'm pretty sure it's past your bedtime," Luce said blandly, stepping into the kitchen and going to the drawer that housed the silverware. She pulled out a spoon, sat across from Ember at the counter and took the jar of peanut butter out of her hands. Digging her spoon into it she asked, "why are you here?" before stuffing the spoon of peanut butter in her mouth.
Ember:"Stuff it. I've had a bad day." Ember glowered, reaching over and snatching up a glop of JIF for herself and, mimicking Luce, stuffed the whole thing into her mouth. It then took them both several minutes to salivate enough to lick through it all, giving her plenty of time to think over the second question.
To be honest she'd already tried to voice her thoughts twice already to Rian, and that had ended... rather indecisively in her mind. They seemed kind of square, but that wasn't what she was looking for now was it? Ember swallowed hard and laid her head on the table, the arm with her hand still clutching desperately to the spoon now sprawled out to one side. Weight fell onto her shoulders until she felt like she could be crushed. She knew it was all in her head, but that little question Luce had asked felt so loaded it was as though she were pointing one of her plenitude of guns in her direction.
But maybe the third time was the charm. After all, Ember didn't think of Luce as someone who would openly mock her or.. well have any feelings at all, but so long as she pretended to listen it might prove to be the therapy she needed.
"I got chosen as second second..." She answered miserably, her second hand coming out from under the table and flopping open to reveal the wooden charm with a tiny cardinal carved into it. "I tried to back out. But... Rian... ugh." Her eyes opened, squinting at the side of the kitchen she could see from that angle. "Do we have any chocolate?"
Luce:"No."
Luce took out a Milkyway from her pocket and unwrapped it. "We do not." She picked up the cardinal charm and inspected it closely. It was nice enough workmanship. She could tell what it was and she vaguely remembered that Ember had a cardinal morph though she didn't see why anyone would choose such a weak bird to identify with so strongly. That was why Luce had never gotten a flying morph of her own. She really didn't need to be able to turn into a songbird as well as a pussy cat. But whatever, Ember's choice, maybe the cardinal meant something different to her.
She tossed it back on the table between them. "Looks nice. Why'd you try to back out."
Ember:Ember tilted her head up at the sound of the crackling wrapper, watching Luce devour what looked to be like the first candy bar Ember had seen in months.
"You are a bad person, Luce."
She slapped her hand down on the charm as it was tossed back to her, stringing it quickly around her neck so it couldn't be taken away again. "And it's because I thought that he was just... Look, haven't you ever gotten something nice from someone just because they thought you'd get mad at them if they didn't? Like, surely you've had a boyfriend or... ok well maybe this is the wrong track" Ember mumbled, searching the room with her eyes to come up with a better analogy. "Um, well hasn't anyone ever told you that you looked nice in something, even though you didn't, just so you could remain on good terms? Like when a guy tells a girl she looks really beautiful one day when it's obvious she's had a facial disaster. Or that those pants totally don't make you look fat. Or- are you getting any of this?" Ember sighed, slumping farther into her chair if that was even possible. "No, probably not. If anyone tried to say you looked nice you'd probably just shoot their kneecaps or something..."
Luce:Luce munched on the candy bar as she thought about what Ember had said. She swallowed and began to talk. "Well, I've never had a boyfriend. Never been interested in any guys really. They all seem really boring or, worse than boring, annoying. I don't know, that just doesn't take up much of my energy. I don't really like anyone actually. Before I was a controller everyone just seemed on a different level, they cared about things that I thought were stupid so I didn't bother with them."
She took another bite of the milkyway. "Then I got taken. My yeerk, she was exactly the type of person that I had always hated. She was vain, stupid and shallow. She used my body to do nothing. She just took a lot of drugs, slept around with absolutely everyone on the planet. Want to know what sex is like? Sex with women? I can tell you. Hell I can give you a run down on every sexual situation that has been invented. Multiple partners, accessories. She was stupid and she only lived to please herself." Up until then Luce had been telling the story much like a nerd would talk about a sports game, no real passion or emotion in what she was saying. But Luce's eyes grew hard with disapproval as the memories came back. She shook off the momentary lapse and went back to her usual speaking voice.
"She was a good fighter though, but only because I was a good fighter. For a while she kept up my training regiment but then she got lazy. I had to work so hard to get back in shape after being freed." Now she just sounded offended, as if everyone was suppose to exercise everyday and the fact that her yeerk hadn't was just incomprehensibly stupid as opposed to malicious. She looked at Ember realizing she was getting off topic.
"Anyway, the point is that, yes, I know what you're talking about. My yeerk was that person and I've heard words like that come out of my own mouth in my own voice. If there is anyone that can tell you when someone is a sycophant it's me. And from what I can tell Rian doesn't do that. I haven't heard him say anything he doesn't mean. Sometimes I don't think he has enough intelligence to lie. Or maybe just not the inclination. Either way I hope we never get into a situation where lives depend on Rian lying or toadying to someone. I don't think we'd come out on the winning end." Talk about a left handed compliment.
Ember:Ember raised an eyebrow, but lowered it quickly before Luce could notice. The woman talked like the yeerk had done a lobotomy while it was in her head, snatching out all the personality and emotion on its way out. If Ember had been put through something like that... the hairs on her arms and neck stood straight, electric shivers spiking through her skin at the mere thought.
But then again, if Luce was over it there was no use focusing on her problems when Ember was still trying to get over her own. However meager they may seem in comparison now that Luce managed to steal her self-pitying moment of its gratification.
She sighed, "Yes... I know Rian isn't like that but... that's why it just didn't make sense to me that he would choose us both. I thought that I would be second just because i was ordered here, and in LA i was psyched beyond belief! I felt like... like a hero, in a story, the kind where they go off to fight a dragon..." She dragged her head to her hand, still slumped like a wilted flower after an unpleasant rain storm. "And once I got here- it- I don't know it just got more real. A lot more real than it had been in LA. But so long as i still felt like the anointed heroine there was still a bit of bravery i could hold onto. You know? Me and Rian against the world, leading a band of our renegade teens to take down an entire empire of the scariest creatures this world has seen!" Her eyes brightened, her hands growing animated as she described her ideal adventure. Then they dropped, and she fell back. "Getting called out made me realize that I didn't really want to leave here though... I wanted to stay, clinging to my fantasy. I'd never make a good leader on my own. I'd end up like that guy Matt once told me about... Alex- or maybe just Lex I think, he went off and got himself killed."
She sighed in frustration, "And it's not that I'm afraid of dying- well i mean, i am, but its not mostly that. You know?"
Luce:"Yeah. You are afraid of killing. Of someone dying on your watch." She ate some more JIF, mixing the flavors of chocolate, caramel and peanut butter. She looked at the Milky Way with distaste. She should have gotten a Snickers.
Then she looked back up at the young woman in front of her and decided to give the issue her full attention since she hadn't until now. To be honest, she had thought it was just more whining about romantic crap that Luce didn't really think mattered that much. But her latest statements made it clear that Ember was actually searching for her place in the world. Luce didn't really care much about that either.
People had to find their own way and as long as their way didn't get in her way she was fine with them. But Ember wasn't people apparently. She was now one of Rian's official seconds so that made her a leader and Luce had seen what happened to groups that had bad leaders. Let's just say Las Vegas wasn't the first faction Luce had been sent to help out with. But that faction leader had failed and Luce had survived and gone back to New York.
If there was even a chance that Ember would become a faction leader then Luce saw it as her responsibility to try to deal with this now while she had the opportunity.
"Look, your little fantasy, not real, but you got that part on your own. But it did serve a purpose. Fantasies do that. They can make us strong, they can make us brave. So, basically you have to find a new one. That settles the fantasy problem."
She paused and tried to think of what to tackle next. "As to you getting called out. You didn't get called out, you got called up. Different thing all together. Being called out means you got noticed for your faults and someone is telling you to fix them. Being called up means someone noticed you for you virtues and is giving you some more responsibility."
She shrugged and took another bite of her candy bar, finishing it off. Then, with her mouth full, she continued. "Personally, I think it is the scarier of the two. See, when we are called out we usually already know we did something wrong. And we aren't surprised that someone noticed. And it is something that we can fix. Not scary, unpleasant, but not scary."
She looked at Ember's new necklace and reached out and grabbed it before the other woman could lean away. She looked at the charm as she spoke, turning it over and investigating it closely. "But you got called up. That's the scary one. Because it means that someone actually expects you to do something right. And now there is the possibility that you'll fail. That you'll discover that you aren't good enough. I think that is what tonight was about. You bailed and by doing so were trying to say, 'hey, look, I'm not cut out for this job.' And Rian refused to listen apparently."
She dropped the necklace. "I guess we'll see if he was wrong." She had been leaning closely to really look at the charm and had probably been pulling on Ember's neck with her examination, meaning their heads had been fairly close. Luce pretty much ignored other people's personally space though didn't tolerate people coming into her own, so she wasn't aware of causing awkward situations.
Ember:Ember tried to keep her eye from twitching. It had never done that before, but then again she'd never had a mass murderer come within inches of her face. Not to mention is was just downright awkward to have ANY woman this close to her. When Luce finally let go, Ember still needed several seconds to start breathing, and when she did it felt like all the oxygen in the world could be sucked into her lungs. In trying to hide this rather weird transition, there was nothing to it but to hop off her stool and stick her head in the fridge.
"Yeah, well of course you think about it logically!" Her words came from behind the stainless steel door, "And Rian is an idiot. A nice idiot, but he just... He's a guy, you know? He just doesn't see all the hints and clues and things that are so obvious to me. Maybe I am taking a harsh stand against myself," Her eyes appeared over the top of the door, "but if I don't who will? Sure you say you keep track to see if anyone's cracking, but what if I'm perfectly fine right up until the point I get someone killed?!"
She slammed the fridge door shut. "It was perfect! Back in LA i was fine!! What the hell changed?"
Luce:"Not sure. I didn't know you in LA. I assume you were good at your job there otherwise Matt wouldn't have commented on you at the faction leader's meeting and Cassie would't have sent you with Rian. Not to mention Rian has decided you are going to be his second. So even though all I've seen of you is you whining about how horrible it is to be put in charge, I'm going to count my opinion as only one vote in the matter and I'm outvoted at the moment."
She was getting tired of this conversation. She really didn't need to listen to other people's problems. Why couldn't they just get over themselves.
But her logical brain that allowed her to think so clearly also told her that she wasn't normal. Normal people felt things about things. They had opinions. They didn't just shrug everything off. She was different.
That didn't stop her from getting annoyed. "Look, I've lost track of what you are even talking about now. What hints, where? About what? And what does Rian's gender have to do with it? The only part of that that made any sense was the cracking. And people are flawed from the very beginning, they just don't grow flaws over night. You could be one of those. Like a stone that a sculptor starts to carve, only to find the flaw and the whole sculpture cracks. I'm not saying you aren't. I'm saying Rian doesn't think you are. If you really think he's wrong then you have to convince him of that. How about you go out and get someone killed, Rian loses all faith in you and takes away your pretty necklace and then all your problems will be solved and I won't have to listen to this anymore."
Ember:Ember scowled, touching her face absently and mumbling under her breath, "I'm not flawed..."
She wanted to slam the fridge door again, or throw some pots, or do something to vent! Talking hadn't helped and now even robot woman was showing her annoyance. Not that Ember could blame her. She'd been circling around the same damn issues for several hours now. It was getting exhausting and old and...
"OK fine!" Ember threw up her hands, "You're right. I'm whining. I'm unsure of myself and how other people see me! And worst of all I'm just flat out afraid that I'm going to get someone killed. Probably myself." She let out one large exhale of breath, as she dropped her hands. Then her eyes turned to look straight into Luce's...
"You've got it figured out. You've had horrible things happen to you, but you're either insane enough or strong enough to overcome them. I need that." Her finger jabbed toward Luce, "I need what you've got. Skill, and calm. If I'm going to really be Rian's second and not feel guilty every day for it, I'm going to have to prove to myself that I can handle it. And the ONLY way that's going to happen is if I practice. With you." She added, just to make sure she got her point.
"You are perfect. You're scary, intense, and best of all I know you could kill me if you wanted to. Who better to match up against?! Think about it! I get peace of mind, you get a competent leader. That's what you want, right? Well then..." Her hand extended boldly, "Do we have a deal?"
Luce:Luce looked at Ember's hand but let it hang for a moment. Then she pulled out her second milkyway and handed it to her instead of shaking the hand offered. "I'll train you if you want. I'll teach you everything I know about weapons and about self defense. But don't try to be like me. I'm not what you should be shooting for. And if you need any proof of that that necklace of yours and the fact that I don't have one should be proof enough."
She got up and walked to the fridge, taking out an apple and her knife to skin it. "Calm is not the same as," she looked for a word to describe what she had, "emotional shut down. That is what happened to me. I don't mind but I don't mind anything. I doubt you want that for yourself."
Ember:Ember looked as though she could cry, clutching onto the proffered candy bar like it was heaven created on earth all packaged up in a tiny brown wrapper just for her.
Ahem, then she regained control of herself and nodded to Luce. The milky way would have to wait, safely tucked into her pocket for gluttonous snacking later. "Ok, then. That's perfect. Although honestly I didn't think I'd ever end up like you... er," She coughed, "no offense. Its just that I've already tried shutting down my emotions but instead they just got shoved off on inappropriate moments. Or I get nightmares about them-" Ember stopped, realizing that she'd never told anyone about those. It was... a secret, but not out of necessity, just because she hadn't wanted Rian or Matt to know that she was having them. She'd actually, in a strange way, opened up to Luce of all people...
She frowned at how much she'd already spilled out to her. In every conversation she'd had with a faction member she'd always held back on at least a few things, just to keep her image of herself intact... but Luce just did not care. And that was kind of therapeutic. Weird... And stranger still, but Ember kind of thought that Luce was opening up too. That must mean...
"Oh my god we're having girl talk...."
Luce:Luce rolled her eyes. "Girl talk, right." Luce finished off the apple and sheathed the knife. "I'm going to bed, you should go to bed too. You have to get up early tomorrow." Luce smiled evilly. "Meet me in the grand ballroom at 6am. I'm going to go set up your training."
She looked Ember up and down judging what needed to be worked on and what were her best attributes. She was figuring out where to start but all it looked like was an intense stare. When she was done she abrutptly broke off the look and headed out of the kitchen. "6am Ember," she called over her shoulder.
She hated that... being so vulnerable to every little thing. In LA she never would have become so violently inconsistent. In her old life Ember kept her cool, aloof from belittling struggles of other people, but all of a sudden she'd flipped out at not being the only second in command? What? And things that didn't even make sense for her to feel were being spouted straight from her brain to her mouth, probably making her sound like a lunatic.
She needed some grounding. She needed some peanut butter.
The kitchen was utterly trashed by the time she'd dug everything from the cabinets to find what appeared to be a year old jar of JIF. But that stuff lasted through nuclear holocaust conditions, so she massacred the drawers to claim a spoon and proceeded to dig to china through the sticky brown goodness.
Luce:Luce looked around dispassionately at the mess that Ember had made of the kitchen. The kitchen was Luce's place of zen. The entire faction came in and out to get food but Luce actually hung out here for hours at a time. She liked the cool gray of the industrial steel stoves, counter tops, cabinets and refrigerators. When she came to the kitchen she was constantly surrounded by nice, cool metal.
Except now the feng shui was completely messed up and a moody young woman was eating peanut butter in her kitchen. Wonderful.
"You know, I'm pretty sure it's past your bedtime," Luce said blandly, stepping into the kitchen and going to the drawer that housed the silverware. She pulled out a spoon, sat across from Ember at the counter and took the jar of peanut butter out of her hands. Digging her spoon into it she asked, "why are you here?" before stuffing the spoon of peanut butter in her mouth.
Ember:"Stuff it. I've had a bad day." Ember glowered, reaching over and snatching up a glop of JIF for herself and, mimicking Luce, stuffed the whole thing into her mouth. It then took them both several minutes to salivate enough to lick through it all, giving her plenty of time to think over the second question.
To be honest she'd already tried to voice her thoughts twice already to Rian, and that had ended... rather indecisively in her mind. They seemed kind of square, but that wasn't what she was looking for now was it? Ember swallowed hard and laid her head on the table, the arm with her hand still clutching desperately to the spoon now sprawled out to one side. Weight fell onto her shoulders until she felt like she could be crushed. She knew it was all in her head, but that little question Luce had asked felt so loaded it was as though she were pointing one of her plenitude of guns in her direction.
But maybe the third time was the charm. After all, Ember didn't think of Luce as someone who would openly mock her or.. well have any feelings at all, but so long as she pretended to listen it might prove to be the therapy she needed.
"I got chosen as second second..." She answered miserably, her second hand coming out from under the table and flopping open to reveal the wooden charm with a tiny cardinal carved into it. "I tried to back out. But... Rian... ugh." Her eyes opened, squinting at the side of the kitchen she could see from that angle. "Do we have any chocolate?"
Luce:"No."
Luce took out a Milkyway from her pocket and unwrapped it. "We do not." She picked up the cardinal charm and inspected it closely. It was nice enough workmanship. She could tell what it was and she vaguely remembered that Ember had a cardinal morph though she didn't see why anyone would choose such a weak bird to identify with so strongly. That was why Luce had never gotten a flying morph of her own. She really didn't need to be able to turn into a songbird as well as a pussy cat. But whatever, Ember's choice, maybe the cardinal meant something different to her.
She tossed it back on the table between them. "Looks nice. Why'd you try to back out."
Ember:Ember tilted her head up at the sound of the crackling wrapper, watching Luce devour what looked to be like the first candy bar Ember had seen in months.
"You are a bad person, Luce."
She slapped her hand down on the charm as it was tossed back to her, stringing it quickly around her neck so it couldn't be taken away again. "And it's because I thought that he was just... Look, haven't you ever gotten something nice from someone just because they thought you'd get mad at them if they didn't? Like, surely you've had a boyfriend or... ok well maybe this is the wrong track" Ember mumbled, searching the room with her eyes to come up with a better analogy. "Um, well hasn't anyone ever told you that you looked nice in something, even though you didn't, just so you could remain on good terms? Like when a guy tells a girl she looks really beautiful one day when it's obvious she's had a facial disaster. Or that those pants totally don't make you look fat. Or- are you getting any of this?" Ember sighed, slumping farther into her chair if that was even possible. "No, probably not. If anyone tried to say you looked nice you'd probably just shoot their kneecaps or something..."
Luce:Luce munched on the candy bar as she thought about what Ember had said. She swallowed and began to talk. "Well, I've never had a boyfriend. Never been interested in any guys really. They all seem really boring or, worse than boring, annoying. I don't know, that just doesn't take up much of my energy. I don't really like anyone actually. Before I was a controller everyone just seemed on a different level, they cared about things that I thought were stupid so I didn't bother with them."
She took another bite of the milkyway. "Then I got taken. My yeerk, she was exactly the type of person that I had always hated. She was vain, stupid and shallow. She used my body to do nothing. She just took a lot of drugs, slept around with absolutely everyone on the planet. Want to know what sex is like? Sex with women? I can tell you. Hell I can give you a run down on every sexual situation that has been invented. Multiple partners, accessories. She was stupid and she only lived to please herself." Up until then Luce had been telling the story much like a nerd would talk about a sports game, no real passion or emotion in what she was saying. But Luce's eyes grew hard with disapproval as the memories came back. She shook off the momentary lapse and went back to her usual speaking voice.
"She was a good fighter though, but only because I was a good fighter. For a while she kept up my training regiment but then she got lazy. I had to work so hard to get back in shape after being freed." Now she just sounded offended, as if everyone was suppose to exercise everyday and the fact that her yeerk hadn't was just incomprehensibly stupid as opposed to malicious. She looked at Ember realizing she was getting off topic.
"Anyway, the point is that, yes, I know what you're talking about. My yeerk was that person and I've heard words like that come out of my own mouth in my own voice. If there is anyone that can tell you when someone is a sycophant it's me. And from what I can tell Rian doesn't do that. I haven't heard him say anything he doesn't mean. Sometimes I don't think he has enough intelligence to lie. Or maybe just not the inclination. Either way I hope we never get into a situation where lives depend on Rian lying or toadying to someone. I don't think we'd come out on the winning end." Talk about a left handed compliment.
Ember:Ember raised an eyebrow, but lowered it quickly before Luce could notice. The woman talked like the yeerk had done a lobotomy while it was in her head, snatching out all the personality and emotion on its way out. If Ember had been put through something like that... the hairs on her arms and neck stood straight, electric shivers spiking through her skin at the mere thought.
But then again, if Luce was over it there was no use focusing on her problems when Ember was still trying to get over her own. However meager they may seem in comparison now that Luce managed to steal her self-pitying moment of its gratification.
She sighed, "Yes... I know Rian isn't like that but... that's why it just didn't make sense to me that he would choose us both. I thought that I would be second just because i was ordered here, and in LA i was psyched beyond belief! I felt like... like a hero, in a story, the kind where they go off to fight a dragon..." She dragged her head to her hand, still slumped like a wilted flower after an unpleasant rain storm. "And once I got here- it- I don't know it just got more real. A lot more real than it had been in LA. But so long as i still felt like the anointed heroine there was still a bit of bravery i could hold onto. You know? Me and Rian against the world, leading a band of our renegade teens to take down an entire empire of the scariest creatures this world has seen!" Her eyes brightened, her hands growing animated as she described her ideal adventure. Then they dropped, and she fell back. "Getting called out made me realize that I didn't really want to leave here though... I wanted to stay, clinging to my fantasy. I'd never make a good leader on my own. I'd end up like that guy Matt once told me about... Alex- or maybe just Lex I think, he went off and got himself killed."
She sighed in frustration, "And it's not that I'm afraid of dying- well i mean, i am, but its not mostly that. You know?"
Luce:"Yeah. You are afraid of killing. Of someone dying on your watch." She ate some more JIF, mixing the flavors of chocolate, caramel and peanut butter. She looked at the Milky Way with distaste. She should have gotten a Snickers.
Then she looked back up at the young woman in front of her and decided to give the issue her full attention since she hadn't until now. To be honest, she had thought it was just more whining about romantic crap that Luce didn't really think mattered that much. But her latest statements made it clear that Ember was actually searching for her place in the world. Luce didn't really care much about that either.
People had to find their own way and as long as their way didn't get in her way she was fine with them. But Ember wasn't people apparently. She was now one of Rian's official seconds so that made her a leader and Luce had seen what happened to groups that had bad leaders. Let's just say Las Vegas wasn't the first faction Luce had been sent to help out with. But that faction leader had failed and Luce had survived and gone back to New York.
If there was even a chance that Ember would become a faction leader then Luce saw it as her responsibility to try to deal with this now while she had the opportunity.
"Look, your little fantasy, not real, but you got that part on your own. But it did serve a purpose. Fantasies do that. They can make us strong, they can make us brave. So, basically you have to find a new one. That settles the fantasy problem."
She paused and tried to think of what to tackle next. "As to you getting called out. You didn't get called out, you got called up. Different thing all together. Being called out means you got noticed for your faults and someone is telling you to fix them. Being called up means someone noticed you for you virtues and is giving you some more responsibility."
She shrugged and took another bite of her candy bar, finishing it off. Then, with her mouth full, she continued. "Personally, I think it is the scarier of the two. See, when we are called out we usually already know we did something wrong. And we aren't surprised that someone noticed. And it is something that we can fix. Not scary, unpleasant, but not scary."
She looked at Ember's new necklace and reached out and grabbed it before the other woman could lean away. She looked at the charm as she spoke, turning it over and investigating it closely. "But you got called up. That's the scary one. Because it means that someone actually expects you to do something right. And now there is the possibility that you'll fail. That you'll discover that you aren't good enough. I think that is what tonight was about. You bailed and by doing so were trying to say, 'hey, look, I'm not cut out for this job.' And Rian refused to listen apparently."
She dropped the necklace. "I guess we'll see if he was wrong." She had been leaning closely to really look at the charm and had probably been pulling on Ember's neck with her examination, meaning their heads had been fairly close. Luce pretty much ignored other people's personally space though didn't tolerate people coming into her own, so she wasn't aware of causing awkward situations.
Ember:Ember tried to keep her eye from twitching. It had never done that before, but then again she'd never had a mass murderer come within inches of her face. Not to mention is was just downright awkward to have ANY woman this close to her. When Luce finally let go, Ember still needed several seconds to start breathing, and when she did it felt like all the oxygen in the world could be sucked into her lungs. In trying to hide this rather weird transition, there was nothing to it but to hop off her stool and stick her head in the fridge.
"Yeah, well of course you think about it logically!" Her words came from behind the stainless steel door, "And Rian is an idiot. A nice idiot, but he just... He's a guy, you know? He just doesn't see all the hints and clues and things that are so obvious to me. Maybe I am taking a harsh stand against myself," Her eyes appeared over the top of the door, "but if I don't who will? Sure you say you keep track to see if anyone's cracking, but what if I'm perfectly fine right up until the point I get someone killed?!"
She slammed the fridge door shut. "It was perfect! Back in LA i was fine!! What the hell changed?"
Luce:"Not sure. I didn't know you in LA. I assume you were good at your job there otherwise Matt wouldn't have commented on you at the faction leader's meeting and Cassie would't have sent you with Rian. Not to mention Rian has decided you are going to be his second. So even though all I've seen of you is you whining about how horrible it is to be put in charge, I'm going to count my opinion as only one vote in the matter and I'm outvoted at the moment."
She was getting tired of this conversation. She really didn't need to listen to other people's problems. Why couldn't they just get over themselves.
But her logical brain that allowed her to think so clearly also told her that she wasn't normal. Normal people felt things about things. They had opinions. They didn't just shrug everything off. She was different.
That didn't stop her from getting annoyed. "Look, I've lost track of what you are even talking about now. What hints, where? About what? And what does Rian's gender have to do with it? The only part of that that made any sense was the cracking. And people are flawed from the very beginning, they just don't grow flaws over night. You could be one of those. Like a stone that a sculptor starts to carve, only to find the flaw and the whole sculpture cracks. I'm not saying you aren't. I'm saying Rian doesn't think you are. If you really think he's wrong then you have to convince him of that. How about you go out and get someone killed, Rian loses all faith in you and takes away your pretty necklace and then all your problems will be solved and I won't have to listen to this anymore."
Ember:Ember scowled, touching her face absently and mumbling under her breath, "I'm not flawed..."
She wanted to slam the fridge door again, or throw some pots, or do something to vent! Talking hadn't helped and now even robot woman was showing her annoyance. Not that Ember could blame her. She'd been circling around the same damn issues for several hours now. It was getting exhausting and old and...
"OK fine!" Ember threw up her hands, "You're right. I'm whining. I'm unsure of myself and how other people see me! And worst of all I'm just flat out afraid that I'm going to get someone killed. Probably myself." She let out one large exhale of breath, as she dropped her hands. Then her eyes turned to look straight into Luce's...
"You've got it figured out. You've had horrible things happen to you, but you're either insane enough or strong enough to overcome them. I need that." Her finger jabbed toward Luce, "I need what you've got. Skill, and calm. If I'm going to really be Rian's second and not feel guilty every day for it, I'm going to have to prove to myself that I can handle it. And the ONLY way that's going to happen is if I practice. With you." She added, just to make sure she got her point.
"You are perfect. You're scary, intense, and best of all I know you could kill me if you wanted to. Who better to match up against?! Think about it! I get peace of mind, you get a competent leader. That's what you want, right? Well then..." Her hand extended boldly, "Do we have a deal?"
Luce:Luce looked at Ember's hand but let it hang for a moment. Then she pulled out her second milkyway and handed it to her instead of shaking the hand offered. "I'll train you if you want. I'll teach you everything I know about weapons and about self defense. But don't try to be like me. I'm not what you should be shooting for. And if you need any proof of that that necklace of yours and the fact that I don't have one should be proof enough."
She got up and walked to the fridge, taking out an apple and her knife to skin it. "Calm is not the same as," she looked for a word to describe what she had, "emotional shut down. That is what happened to me. I don't mind but I don't mind anything. I doubt you want that for yourself."
Ember:Ember looked as though she could cry, clutching onto the proffered candy bar like it was heaven created on earth all packaged up in a tiny brown wrapper just for her.
Ahem, then she regained control of herself and nodded to Luce. The milky way would have to wait, safely tucked into her pocket for gluttonous snacking later. "Ok, then. That's perfect. Although honestly I didn't think I'd ever end up like you... er," She coughed, "no offense. Its just that I've already tried shutting down my emotions but instead they just got shoved off on inappropriate moments. Or I get nightmares about them-" Ember stopped, realizing that she'd never told anyone about those. It was... a secret, but not out of necessity, just because she hadn't wanted Rian or Matt to know that she was having them. She'd actually, in a strange way, opened up to Luce of all people...
She frowned at how much she'd already spilled out to her. In every conversation she'd had with a faction member she'd always held back on at least a few things, just to keep her image of herself intact... but Luce just did not care. And that was kind of therapeutic. Weird... And stranger still, but Ember kind of thought that Luce was opening up too. That must mean...
"Oh my god we're having girl talk...."
Luce:Luce rolled her eyes. "Girl talk, right." Luce finished off the apple and sheathed the knife. "I'm going to bed, you should go to bed too. You have to get up early tomorrow." Luce smiled evilly. "Meet me in the grand ballroom at 6am. I'm going to go set up your training."
She looked Ember up and down judging what needed to be worked on and what were her best attributes. She was figuring out where to start but all it looked like was an intense stare. When she was done she abrutptly broke off the look and headed out of the kitchen. "6am Ember," she called over her shoulder.