Post by Admin on Aug 9, 2009 18:16:41 GMT -5
Suji:
The dream again; she knew it was a dream, or at least, she knew she was dreaming. And that made it worse, somehow, for Suji: she was a lucid dreamer, able to control herself almost as well in her dreams as in real life, which usually included being able to wake up. This was worse because she couldn't rouse herself. She was trapped in a nowhere space, unable to get back to reality, a reality where she was sleeping in her makeshift bed/cot in Dallas.
It wasn't a visual dream--her mind had no solid imagery to focus on, only gut feelings, only abstract knowledge that wasn't distilled from sensory. That was unsettling too, too much like riding a rollercoaster where you couldn't even see the tracks. The ground might suddenly drop away, or she'd be spun a loop, and all the while there was nothing to orient herself against.
Except those two forces. The landscape changed and blurred: sometimes it was an arid desert, another time a marshy jungle, or even a barren tundra. And she was caught in the middle, being jostled back and forth. Sometimes two dogs worried her, fought over her like a bone and she thought she'd crack and be crushed to dust between their powerful jaws. Other times two stately nobles were playing chess, and she was a piece moving across the board--but it wasn't regular chess, because she observed non of the standard rules. There were still rules, she could sense that, but she was never able to decipher them. Sometimes she was in the army of one force; the next moment she might be knocking over a pawn that had just been an ally.
This, now though, was the most familiar of the repeat settings.
Blackness. The black of either deep starless space, or the eternity trapped in the instant where life bowed to death. Or both.
Final judgment.
The moment where she passed out from the reach of the two forces, and one had to cede defeat, the other claim victory.
She hated it even more than the scenes of struggle. At least as a plaything she'd had some iota of free will, self-determination. In this moment, however, she became nothing more than a prize.
Suji woke, just as she always did, the moment before the final decision came in. She was breathing hard, and there was cold sweat on her brow. She heaved, catching her breath. Days now, she'd been waking this way, this same dream. Different places, different allusions, but the same wrenching feeling, the same ending.
It used to be that the dream would disappear on its own; so that it was gone almost even before she opened her eyes. Now she had to fight it down. It was a few minutes before she rolled over, and got ready for the day.
- - -
Ray had just given her the passcodes for the blood vault, as well as told her the hiding spot for the morphing cube, and Suji ran the info over in her head relentlessly. She was supposed to relay the message to Drake; Ray seemed like he'd wanted to do it himself, but he'd said something about having to meet with some YPM members.
Suji knocked on Drake's door.
Drake:
Drake was doodling on the whiteboard in his room with some erasable markers when he heard a knock on the door. "Come in," he said, capping his marker. He sat down in one of his many wheely chairs, pushed off from the wall, towards the door.
He could see through the crack in the ajar door that it was Suji. What does she want? Drake wondered curiously. He had grown somewhat close to Suji since arriving in Dallas, just like he had grown somewhat close to everyone else, too. But he had known Suji for a short time before he had arrived in Dallas, so that added one extra layer to their friendship.
"What can I do for you?" he asked, giving his chair a spin.
Suji:
Suji came in, arching an eyebrow at the spinning chairs. There seemed to a rather large number of them in Drake's room, and she had the feeling that he probably "borrowed" a few from whatever rooms he could find them in. She closed the door quietly behind her--this was sensitive information, and she didn't want to have someone in a morph with excellent hearing two rooms over catching her voice if it drifted into the hall. That being said, she'd have to assume no one was morph-spying on Drake in the room right now.
"We're alone in here, right?" Suji looked around, as if trying to spot an out of place bug or lizard. "If anyone's hanging out as a rodent or something, you'll need to kick them out for a few moments. I've got info from you from Ray, Seconds-only." She smiled as she looked back to him; she hadn't seen anyone, but that didn't really mean much with Animorphs.
Drake:
"Alone? Yeah, I think so. I hope so. I do not know why anyone would be spying on me." Drake shrugged, then did a quick check underneath his table/bed. "Looks clear."
"So you have Seconds-only information for me, from Ray? Now I am curious. Nothing scary I hope." Knowing Drake's luck they would be sent on some sort of top secret suicide mission that the rest of the faction was not supposed to know about. But then again, Ray probably would have told him something like that in person. But you never know...
Suji:
Suji half-smiled at the "nothing scary" comment. It was pretty heavy information for what it implied, but in itself it wasn't anything frightening. "Nothing scary, but I guess it's a pretty big responsibility. The password for the vault holding the DNA samples, and the location of the morphing cube."
Keeping her voice low, she told him both of the things. The password was probably harder to remember than the location; numbers were trickier than places, as far as she knew. "Here you go, I wrote it down for you." She walked over to where he was sitting, and held out a small folded piece of paper. Looking down at him, she felt herself smile again. He was so...
Lanky? In the past, before the war, it would have been a word like a sneer. Something to tease someone over, judge someone, a weapon of sorts. Now it was endearing. He'd been a good partner in Vegas. Her eyes had actually unfixed for a moment as she looked at him, and she very quickly snapped them back up to meet his. "You'll have to burn the thing once you memorize the code. Or eat it or something. Spy-style."
Drake:
Drake visibly relaxed a little when Suji relayed the reason she was there. It was something serious, but not serious serious. He did his best to memorize what Suji told him, but was definitely relieved when she handed him the paper.
"I think I will go with spy-style," he said with a wink. This was a huge new responsibility for Drake, and he was still not used to responsibility. "I guess we are true Seconds now." Drake probably should have felt prideful, but instead he felt like he had weights strapped to his feet.
Suji:
Suji laughed at the idea of him eating it. She didn't need the paper--once her brain latched on to a piece of info, there was no way she was forgetting it, even if she wanted to. "I guess so. Though I'm still holding out for a badge and a snazzy uniform." Suji ran a hand through her hair for a moment. "Well, that was it. See you later." She half-turned to begin to leave, but something held her.
There was an awkward moment of silence where she internally she fought with herself. Before she could totally over-think, Suji turned back to him. "Can I ask you something?"
Drake:
Drake nodded and gave a little wave when Suji started to leave. But then she did not leave and there was an awkward pause. Drake hated awkward silences, but by their very nature they were hard to brake.
Luckily it did not last long since Suji asked if she could ask something. "Of course can. Lets just hope I can give you an answer." Drake gave a smile with one half of his mouth. He was unsure if this was going to be a serious question, or just a question of curiosity.
Suji:
Suji almost wanted him to say no, that this was a bad time, or that he'd rather not talk right now. Her heart was in her throat, suddenly, and the memory of the dream she'd woken from was heavy in her mind. The question was on the tip of her tongue, but it was still hard, so hard, to ask.
Because asking meant a moment of weakness, didn't it? Showing a crack in her own assurance? But she felt like if she didn't somehow talk about it, somehow hear about the subject in someone else's words, she was going to snap. And Drake, for whatever reason, was her best option. She knew him better than she knew anyone else here, and what's more, they were both of the same 'rank'. She couldn't dare show weakness (whether it was just perceived or real) to her "team," and she didn't want to bother Ray with this.
"What do you think about this Crayak and Ellimist stuff? Do you believe it?" Her tone was, even to her, surprisingly delicate. Not the belligerent sort of voice that demanded that he say he didn't believe it, or that implied that she'd sneer at him if he was ambivalent--at least not to her ears. Suji had made her own views on the subject pretty clear the night Aida arrived.
But asking showed some degree of uncertainty (weakness, her mind whispered), didn't it?
Drake:
Drake was somewhat surprised by Suji's question. Of all the questions she could have asked, that was one that he would not have guessed at. Mostly because he did not see the point. But Suji had asked him honestly, so he would try to give her an honest answer. It was a tricky subject, so he took quite a while to give a response.
"Do I believe in this whole Crayak-Ellimist thing? I am not entirely sure. Apparently Cassie believes in them, and I really doubt she would be lying to everyone about something that sounds so ridiculous. Although I admit that I have never met her or even spoken to her. But on the other hand, there is not really any way for us to prove that they are real. Fin and Aida seem to be pretty sure that they are real, though." Drake paused for a moment before continuing.
"I guess it is like they say, 'seeing is believing.' Which sounds good on paper, but is totally bogus in reality. I believe in air even though I have never seen it, and I have seen many mirages in Vegas, but I do not believe that they are even slightly real. So in the end, I guess it comes down to your own personal opinion. I still have not decided whether or not I think Crayak and Ellimist are real, but whether or not they are, what difference does it make? Even if we are pieces in some sort of cosmic game, is it going to affect how we play?"
Drake stopped there, realizing that he was starting to ramble and was not sure that he had even answered her question. He was a bit surprised at the words that had come out of his mouth, but he had meant every one of them.
Suji:
Suji listened carefully. She had no idea what she expected him to say. In the end it wasn't a straight yes or no; it was all that unsatisfying ambivalence that seemed to permeate her life ever since Vegas. Chicago had been the last place where the battle lines had been clear and true. That fell apart in Vegas, and it seemed like it was only going to keep spiraling out of control. Sometimes, sometimes you just wanted something black and white. Yes or no. But the world, impossible-possible demigods included, didn't seem to work that way.
What difference did it make if they were real or not indeed? Suji's brow furrowed, and for a moment the mask dropped. She was so tired; she maybe not in the same way she'd been after killing Toby, maybe not in the same way after the dam, but it was there. The feeling of being watched and measured had been riding her back since she'd had to murder a rogue Animorph, and even now when things had seemed comparatively peaceful, that feeling was still there in her dreams. Suji wasn't sure what difference it made, but it did make a difference. At least to her. Right?
"...yeah," she finally said lamely, and sighed, rubbing her face for a moment. "Yeah I guess you're right." The words were hollow. "It's just lately..." Her voice actually cracked, and she winced at the sound, tensing. "I should go." Her dark eyes focused everywhere in the room but on him, and she backed away. She turned and hastened for an exit.
Drake:
Drake noticed that Suji seemed out of it somehow. That was not a very Suji-like quality. Drake wondered if he should say something, but that was not very Drake-like. But he still had to hold back a laugh when Suji said that he was probably right.
"I doubt it," Drake called after her as she reached the doorway. "About me being right, that is. No offense, but I think this thing is probably too far over both our heads for us to 'get it.'" Drake shrugged in a what-can-you-do-about-it fashion, then spun in his chair once more.
Suji:
Suji had her hand on the doorknob, and she paused. Over their heads? Sure. But if Suji didn't try to understand it, or at least understand her part in it, she wouldn't be her. And it bothered her to not know, almost as much as it bothered her to admit that omnipotent beings could exist. Her jaw worked, and she tilted her head back.
I'm going to regret this, she thought, eyes squeezed shut tight, and sighed before half-turning back to him.
She struggled, at war with herself over how to say what she needed to say without sounding crazy, and knowing that the attempt would be futile either way because the idea itself was crazy. "When Aida and Fin talked about Crayak before, it wasn't... it wasn't totally new to me. It was like I was suddenly given a name for something I'd already felt." She snickered darkly under her breath. "And that made me more than a little angry."
Staring at the floor, she continued. "Lately... lately I've been having these dreams, like something, someone--two someones--are watching over my shoulder." Heat rose in her cheeks, embarassed. "I don't believe in prophecies. I don't believe in seers or psychics or-or-or inane stuff like that." When she looked up at him, her eyes were over-bright, tears standing in them though she had enough composure to keep from crying.
Oh God, Suji, keep it together, don't do this, this is pathetic this is beneath you-
"I keep getting this feeling like something... big is coming. Soon."
Drake:
Drake had no clue how he was supposed to respond to this. Here was Suji, probably the toughest girl he knew, possibly even the toughest person, and she was telling him stuff that he knew she would not say lightly. Drake was more than a bit befuddled by Suji at the moment, but tried not to let that affect his reactions. He could tell that Suji probably did not exactly understand why she was telling him this either, but that was sort of a guess. She at least seemed a bit out of sorts.
Still unable to come up with a response, Drake pulled out another wheely chair and offered her a seat. He felt like mentioning that a dream was just a dream, but had a feeling that that would not be sufficient. Drake thought for a while, again, before responding. Although when he did speak, he did not have a whole lot to say.
"We know that assuming your dreams or whatever mean nothing would serve no purpose, so lets assume that this is true for a moment. Crazy, I know, but lets just pretend." Drake was a bit reluctant to continue. He felt foolish suggesting they play make-believe. "Is there anything in there that can help us?" Drake pointed at her head as he spoke. "Like how big is big?"
Suji:
Drake looked like she'd caught him off guard. No, really? She thought acidly, angry at herself and feeling more than a little ashamed. One hand behind her was still on the doorknob, holding it tight, as if it were a lifeline. There was still the option of telling him to forget it, darting out of the room, and finding a place to hide away for a few hours.
He pulled out a chair for her to sit on, and she eyed it warily. Walking over and sitting down would be a confirmation that she'd really just admitted what she thought she had, and that she was really going to sit down and talk about this. Whatever "this" was, some ridiculous idea, a dream. Slowly she unclenched the hand on the doorknob, and stepped forward, almost shyly taking a seat.
He talked about pretending that the dreams meant something, and Suji relaxed; not much, but enough that it was visible. Yes. They could pretend. If they were just pretending that it was real, not saying it was, then it was all hypothetical, right? Then whatever she admitted to or theorized about didn't really matter. She couldn't be held accountable if it sounded crazy. That's how pretending worked.
Taking a deep breath in attempts to get her throat to loosen enough so that she could speak, Suji tried to collect herself. "I'm not sure. It's not... It's not like I'm seeing the future or something like that. Or even sensing it." She snorted, and added, "I wish, that'd be pretty useful."
Shaking her head a little to get back on track, she licked her lips. "It's not me-" She grimaced, scowled, searched her brain for a better way to explain it. "You know how in a movie the camera might pan over something that's about to blow up? Or the music will change when you know there's a surprise coming? It's... a bit like that. That's how it feels--but I'm not the one watching the movie. These two-" Another grimace, brief, at mentioning Crayak and Ellimist as if they existed. "-Forces are the ones watching everything play out. It's like they're leaning forward in their seats, and in this case, leaning over my shoulder and waiting for a big scene to start."
She rubbed her forhead with the heel of her palm. "That's not at all helpful," she sighed, dejectedly.
Drake:
Drake had a hard time comprehending what Suji was telling him, but he thought he got the general idea. Drake was sort of good with abstract thinking, and Suji did a pretty good job of describing something so... complicated. But still, he did not understand all of it, but he suspected that Suji would not expect him too.
However, once again Drake did not know how to respond. It was not as if Suji had asked him to solve her problems or something. Perhaps she was just looking for some support, or for someone to share her burden. That Drake could do.
"So if they are 'watching over your shoulder' then you must play some part in it, right?" Drake had no clue, but it was the best he could come up with.
Suji:
He didn't judge her or call or crazy, at least not to her face. Maybe if she was in a better frame of mind she could have searched him, analyzed, tried to see what he was thinking (if it was something under the surface of his expressions--not that Drake tended to be the type to conceal his thoughts, as far as she knew). But as it was, she could barely stand to meet his eyes every once in a while.
"I really hope not," Suji said flatly, though part of her, deep down, knew the truth. She was some sort of player in whatever was going on. The extent of her role, which 'side' she was meant to support, that was beyond her. But she was in this. They all were though, weren't they? But why should she feel the pressure, and some other people didn't? What did she and Fin and Aida have in common that the other people she knew didn't?
"I..." She bit at her lip for a moment. "It's more than just a dream, though." Admitting that made her want to shrink away, bolt, at least fidget in place. "I've felt it before. Two other times." Suji closed her eyes. This isn't fair to him, she thought bitterly. What is he, your confessional? What the hell are you expecting? This doesn't help anything!
But maybe it would help. And at least, for her, it would get all the cards on the table, for now. If things got worse, she'd have someone she could come to, who already knew some of the story. It was the logical thing to do. Clinging to her pride out of fear of alienation... as much as she would have preferred that, this was the better alternative. If what she was about to admit was true, they were all playing in the big leagues now, and something was coming down the pipes. Whether or not this would help them be prepared, well, could she afford to ignore it if there was a chance?
"Back in Chicago," Suji started, and her voice trembled a little but she quickly steeled it. "One of the newly recruited Animorphs turned out to be..." Serial killer didn't seem to be enough, even if that was the best word. "He was a murderer. He'd made a habit out of killing people, women and girls mostly, and he'd been tracking Raven--the faction leader--for a while. I knew he was a lying son of a bitch, but I didn't know how far down it all went." Her mouth twitched into a grimace before she continued. She remembered being nearly killed in her tiny owl morph. Remembered feeling so... helpless. "Out of a turn of luck me and a faction-mate got the drop on Toby, the... killer. But Raven's a pacifist. She won't even morph because she's pregnant, and there's a chance she'd lose the baby."
Suji pinched the bridge of her nose. "I killed him. I told her we'd take turns watching him, so that everyone could get some sleep and we could figure out what to do with him the next day. On my turn I killed him because-" Her voice warbled again. "Because there aren't any jails. There isn't a way to hold someone like that, you can't cage an Animorph, and even if we nothlitted him, if he escaped he could tell the Yeerks how vulnerable we were! The damn faction leader is too weak to realize that we're f-fighting a war!" Suji dropped her head into her hands, shoulders shivering lightly, though she kept from crying. "I killed him because I had to, because the person that sort of... that sort of job is supposed to fall on wouldn't."
Her voice lowered, somewhat muffled by her hands. "She got to keep her precious innocence, even though it's her job to forfeit that. In exchange, I got blood on my hands." Twofold, from Toby's sister, but that was too much, too much to admit to. Only one other person alive knew about Sophia. "That's when I first felt that... that watching over my shoulder. I had these dreams... dreams about a red eye, like Fin said."
She paused for a moment, and then went on. "The next time it happened was in Vegas." She couldn't explain this one as much: she didn't know how much Drake knew about what had happened with Luce, and it wasn't her secret to tell. "I had a clear shot at a Controller that had almost killed Ember. Suddenly there was that watched feeling, like someone waiting for me to pull the trigger, judging me. And I should have, I should have shot that Controller, she was dangerous, but it was just... it was too much. I was tired of being the one doing the dirty work. It was a moment of stupid self pity and I let her go instead." The being watching her had agreed.
All that off her chest and she didn't feel better for it. She just felt like she'd invited him to a 'look how neurotic I am under the calm exterior' party, and vulnerability was not something she was comfortable with, at all.
"So now this starts up, and I find myself looking around, getting jumpy, waiting for the axe to drop. I'm-" Concerned? Worried? Troubled? "scared."
Drake:
Drake was overwhelmed. This person that he thought he knew was spilling secrets to him like they were treats on Halloween. The events in Chicago were enough to rock his boat pretty well, but the rest of the events on top of that threatened to capsize it. Drake just had to take it one step at a time.
Suji killed someone. Actually killed them. But there was no way that Drake was about to believe that Suji was a heartless monster after all they had been through. There was also evidence of that when she let a controller, her arch enemy, survive. And the red eye thing. Crayak? The weird dreams/visions/feelings or whatever completely threw him for a loop.
After Suji had practically poured her heart out for him, he had to say something. "This is just too much." Then, realizing that Suji would probably misinterpret the meaning, he quickly added to that. "I mean, how could you keep all of that in there? Does Ray know any of this? Or Rian?" Suji said that the second time happened in Vegas, which likely meant it happened at the dam. Which also meant that he had been there for that one.
Drake rubbed the sides of his head with his palms before continuing. He brain was still trying to sort everything out. What in the world? This did not make any sense. "You know what? I think you should write this all down. Burn it after you do, for all I care, but write it down. That way you can get out every detail and analyze everything. There has to be some logic in there somewhere."
Drake was surprised at his own suggestion. Where had that come from. It just popped into his head all of a sudden and he knew that it was not just some harebrained idea. But would Suji go for it?
Suji:
'This is just too much.'
Suji looked up at him quickly, bringing her head half out of her hands. Her eyes were wide and her fingers were half-folded down, still covering her mouth. This was a mistake, I knew this was a mistake, this is wrong, why did I do this- She looked like a deer in the headlights, and a vigorous apologizing was already almost underway before he continued. He asked about Ray and Rian and the tight feeling of terror in her chest constricted further. Was Drake going to tell Ray? If it was this much of a problem, Suji probably should have told Ray. But she hadn't. Because she wanted to seem capable, not crazy. And it was going to backfire majorly.
"Rian... Rian knows about what happened in Chicago. I didn't tell him, Raven did. I don't know what, if anything, he told Ray about me. Neither of them know about the Vegas thing." Just the thought of admitting to Rian that she'd had a shot at Sedra and not taken it was nauseating. "I haven't... I haven't told Ray because Dallas was supposed to be a fresh start. Where I could prove myself and- and everything would work out. And I know you're bearing with me pretty well, but this... what I'm saying, even if we assume that it's not just my subconscious having a field day with my moral crises, it's still pretty damn crazy." Suji leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling for a moment.
"Writing it down... you're right. I probably... God, I probably should have done that before bothering you." Suji cursed under her breath, rubbed her eyes roughly, though it wasn't clear if it was to hide tears or not. Her voice was genuinely apologetic, to the point of misery. "It's just. I haven't... I haven't told anyone about this... Crayak thing," she said the last two words very quietly. Her voice took on an almost pleading tone, as if she knew she'd done something wrong but wanted him to at least understand why she did it. "I didn't want to... I couldn't look nuts in front of anyone that I might have to... to give orders to. And--God this is pathetic--I don't want Ray to think he can't trust me. That I'm jumping at shadows."
She sighed in defeat, still covering her eyes with one hand. After a moment she sniffed (was it almost a sniffle?). "How do you stay so unruffled? I mean, I know you're not fresh off your 3-day confinement; you weren't even new when the Dam thing played out. And that was... it wasn't all that bloody, but it wasn't exactly pleasant. How in the world do you stay so cool?" She finally lifted her hand, and though her eyes were a little red, there were no tears. She dropped the hand into her lap. "And take that as a compliment. I'm someone who's spent the better part of my life trying to perfect the art of keeping cool."
A little bitterly, she smirked. "Then again we can see where that's gotten me."
Drake:
This time around that replies were not quite so hard to come up with. They were starting to get away from the what ifs and moving into the what nows. "I definitely think you should strongly consider giving Ray a heads up about all this. I mean, if you were in his shoes, you would want to know, right? And even if he does think you are a bit out of your mind, which I doubt, then I do not think he would send you off to the loony bin or anything."
Drake could tell that this conversation was well beyond Suji's comfort zone. Heck, it was well beyond Drake's comfort zone too, but they had to plow through their reluctancies and figure this out. To do what was necessary.
Drake stared blankly at Suji as she asked how he stayed unruffled. How he kept his cool. Drake was fairly unaware that he did this. Perhaps on some level he knew, but it was not obvious to him. But now that he mentioned it, he could remember on more than one occasion 'smoothing out the ruffles.'
"I guess... I guess I just do not think about stuff. I mean, I make sure to remember everything, but I also make sure that I do not dwell on it. Instead of holding on to everything, I let everything go. If that makes sense." Drake was pretty sure that he just made himself sound like a saint or something, but it was the best explanation he could fabricate on the spot.
"And do not be so hard on yourself. You are doing way better than most in your position. We are still teenagers, after all."
Suji:
Suji listened; it she was relaxing more now, and the knot lodged in her throat was slowly unraveling. She could breathe again, and the panicky sensation of being out of control began to subside. Still teenagers? Suji thought, after his last words. Were they? Yes, maybe Drake was, if he didn't let it affect him. But Suji was skeptical... hell, she was downright cynical. She'd already traded in her life as a teenager. In fact, she'd been eager to leave teenager-dom behind and join the war when she first had the chance. Eager to 'do something that mattered' and be strong and brave and righteous. What a fool she'd been. Still, no reason to be even more depressive. Not to Drake, at least.
"I'll tell Ray," she said finally, running a hand through her hair. "I'll need some time to work it all out for myself first, but I'll tell him. Maybe it'll go away before then," she said hopefully, though it was clear that she didn't think it would.
She tilted her head for a moment and regarded him. Part of her did feel better now, even though she would have sworn up and down that it wouldn't. Now that the initial terror of revealing the secret was gone, now that he wasn't looking at her like she was a monster, she could allow herself to feel slightly relieved. Suji didn't entertain any notions that this feeling would last (she'd probably just start feeling the guilt full force later on), but it was nice to have for as long as it stayed.
"Aren't you afraid that it's all going to catch up to you eventually? Or that if you keep letting go and letting go you'll wake up one day and realize you've done some terrible things?" Suji wasn't the type to let anything go, and even she worried that that would happen to her. Her tone wasn't confrontational: just curious. Then, a little more quietly, she asked: "Aren't you afraid that you won't ever be close to anyone, if you let it all slide off your back?"
Another quiet terror in the deeper recesses of her mind--Suji knew about distancing herself, knew about the costs of trying to transcribe the heat of life into cold analysis. There was a reason that her best friend was Luce, and that things had been strained between them ever since Luce had thrown in her lot with dedication to love instead of dedication to the cause.
Drake:
"Actually, I figured the opposite would happen. If I do not cling to things, I can view them from a distance and take in the big picture. And we are not talking about a stamp collection here. Letting something go does not mean you can not get it back. I am probably not making any sense, am I?"
Drake absently gave his chair another spin. "As for the getting close to people thing..." Now it was Drake's turn to talk about stuff that made him uncomfortable. "You gotta understand that before I joined the animorphs, I was pretty much a loner. I am closer to people now than I ever have been before. So in that sense, I guess I have already succeeded in getting close to people." Drake gave his chair a spin again, but this time out of discomfort. Hopefully that was the type of 'closeness' she was referring to.
Suji:
Stepping back. Big picture. There was a flicker of resentment deep down, and Suji knew herself well enough to know that it was targeted at herself. She was supposed to be good with seeing the big picture, wasn't she? Wasn't the meant to be one of her talents--something that helped you see from point A to point B and meant you could tally up all the pros and cons on the way?
You can't step back from this, though, she thought to herself. She was too close to this Crayak and Ellimist stuff, whether or not it was her choice. For some reason she was feeling it, it was happening to her, and you couldn't really get distance if you were tied down by circumstance. Of course, that just felt like a bunch of excuses.
She nodded when he talked about being a loner. "At least the friends you make now you know you can count on, I guess. Sometimes... I'm just a bit afraid that I'll end up being that person that sells their soul for another inch of victory. That kind of person doesn't tend to make a lot of friends." Suji almost wanted to mention how she'd been popular and pretty vicious about it before the war, but if Drake was a loner, her type of person probably picked on his type of person mercilessly. So she kept that information to herself.
"If... if something does happen though. We'll stick together, right? As co-Seconds or whatever? Promise to keep as many people safe as possible, whatever the costs?"
Drake
"At least the friends you make now you know you can count on, I guess. Sometimes... I'm just a bit afraid that I'll end up being that person that sells their soul for another inch of victory. That kind of person doesn't tend to make a lot of friends."
"You are right. I do know I can count on the friends I have made. And you must not be that type of person yet, at least. Because I know at least one friend you have made." Drake was obviously referring to himself.
"If... if something does happen though. We'll stick together, right? As co-Seconds or whatever? Promise to keep as many people safe as possible, whatever the costs?"
Drake could only think of one response. His reply could be summed up in a single word. "Always," he said with a wink.
Suji:
'Because I know at least one firend you have made.'
Suji couldn't help it. The corner of her mouth twitched, and then there was the slow formation of a grin. "H-hold on," she said, the word interrupted by a tiny laugh. Then she raised a finger, and then rolled her eyes up, as if trying to remember something. Feigning absolutely seriousness for a moment, she shook her head. "Nope. I believe that was the cheesiest thing I've ever heard in my life." Halfway through the sentence she broke into a grin, unable or unwilling to keep the somber face up. She let out a laugh, and looked at her lap for a moment.
Good. It was a pact then. And as far as Suji was aware, it was the first time she'd consciously made a decision to share leadership with someone. Even in the other factions, she'd had a... tendency to view leadership as just an obstacle to get around, or something that had to be dealt with to get what she wanted. Though she hadn't had any conflicts with Ray in Dallas, that didn't mean that she'd ever committed herself to really seeing his authority as end-all.
"Okay then," she said in a huff, and pushed herself up from the seat. "I'm off to find a pen, a lot of paper, and my dignity. I'm sure I left it somewhere around here," she said, smirking. Then, almost absently, she added: "Maybe I'll go flying first. Try to get some clarity, if the weather isn't still acting up."
She looked back to him, eyebrows arched. "You wanna come? Vulture wings make for some excellent soaring, which I'm sure you've noticed by now. And I promise there will be no talking," she added with a thin smile.
Drake:
Drake was very happy to se Suji smiling. Hopefully it meant that she was feeling better again. Drake did not even mind that it was at his expense. He probably would have made the same comment if he were in her place anyhow.
Then Suji asked if he wanted to go flying with her and he was a bit unsure. He did not know if she would want some time alone after their talk, but eventually figured she would not have asked if she minded his company. Besides, it might be a good idea to keep tabs on her for a little while and he had nothing better to do at the moment.
Also, flying was fun. "I think I will have to take you up on that offer," he said with a smile. His mood had elevated significantly since their talk just a few moments ago. "To the bell tower?"
Suji:
Suji nodded, and started for the door. Shared silence was a wonderful thing that she'd discovered some weeks ago with Luce: it wasn't half as awkward as spilling your guts, and you got to keep all your thoughts inside your head. At the same time it was... nice to have someone there, like a safety line that you didn't use but you were happy to have anyway.
She placed a hand on the doorknob, and looked back over her shoulder at him. "Thanks Drake," she said with a small smile. At the risk of becoming as sappy and cheesy as she'd just accused him of being, she left it at that.
"Race you," she said with a grin, and bolted out of the door (making sure to try to swing it shut behind her as she did so). Soulless or just another teenager, crazy or somehow attuned to forces beyond her control, one thing was for sure: Suji had no hangups about playing fairly.
Drake:
Drake just smiled when she said thanks. It was the least he could do. All he had really done was listen and tried to give some advice where needed.
When Suji decided to make it a race, Drake bolted for the exit. He wound up with a face full of door. He quickly opened it and ran down the hallway after Suji in a futile attempt to catch up. Perhaps it was foolish thinking, but at that moment it seemed everything would turn out alright for the animorphs in the city of Dallas.
The dream again; she knew it was a dream, or at least, she knew she was dreaming. And that made it worse, somehow, for Suji: she was a lucid dreamer, able to control herself almost as well in her dreams as in real life, which usually included being able to wake up. This was worse because she couldn't rouse herself. She was trapped in a nowhere space, unable to get back to reality, a reality where she was sleeping in her makeshift bed/cot in Dallas.
It wasn't a visual dream--her mind had no solid imagery to focus on, only gut feelings, only abstract knowledge that wasn't distilled from sensory. That was unsettling too, too much like riding a rollercoaster where you couldn't even see the tracks. The ground might suddenly drop away, or she'd be spun a loop, and all the while there was nothing to orient herself against.
Except those two forces. The landscape changed and blurred: sometimes it was an arid desert, another time a marshy jungle, or even a barren tundra. And she was caught in the middle, being jostled back and forth. Sometimes two dogs worried her, fought over her like a bone and she thought she'd crack and be crushed to dust between their powerful jaws. Other times two stately nobles were playing chess, and she was a piece moving across the board--but it wasn't regular chess, because she observed non of the standard rules. There were still rules, she could sense that, but she was never able to decipher them. Sometimes she was in the army of one force; the next moment she might be knocking over a pawn that had just been an ally.
This, now though, was the most familiar of the repeat settings.
Blackness. The black of either deep starless space, or the eternity trapped in the instant where life bowed to death. Or both.
Final judgment.
The moment where she passed out from the reach of the two forces, and one had to cede defeat, the other claim victory.
She hated it even more than the scenes of struggle. At least as a plaything she'd had some iota of free will, self-determination. In this moment, however, she became nothing more than a prize.
Suji woke, just as she always did, the moment before the final decision came in. She was breathing hard, and there was cold sweat on her brow. She heaved, catching her breath. Days now, she'd been waking this way, this same dream. Different places, different allusions, but the same wrenching feeling, the same ending.
It used to be that the dream would disappear on its own; so that it was gone almost even before she opened her eyes. Now she had to fight it down. It was a few minutes before she rolled over, and got ready for the day.
- - -
Ray had just given her the passcodes for the blood vault, as well as told her the hiding spot for the morphing cube, and Suji ran the info over in her head relentlessly. She was supposed to relay the message to Drake; Ray seemed like he'd wanted to do it himself, but he'd said something about having to meet with some YPM members.
Suji knocked on Drake's door.
Drake:
Drake was doodling on the whiteboard in his room with some erasable markers when he heard a knock on the door. "Come in," he said, capping his marker. He sat down in one of his many wheely chairs, pushed off from the wall, towards the door.
He could see through the crack in the ajar door that it was Suji. What does she want? Drake wondered curiously. He had grown somewhat close to Suji since arriving in Dallas, just like he had grown somewhat close to everyone else, too. But he had known Suji for a short time before he had arrived in Dallas, so that added one extra layer to their friendship.
"What can I do for you?" he asked, giving his chair a spin.
Suji:
Suji came in, arching an eyebrow at the spinning chairs. There seemed to a rather large number of them in Drake's room, and she had the feeling that he probably "borrowed" a few from whatever rooms he could find them in. She closed the door quietly behind her--this was sensitive information, and she didn't want to have someone in a morph with excellent hearing two rooms over catching her voice if it drifted into the hall. That being said, she'd have to assume no one was morph-spying on Drake in the room right now.
"We're alone in here, right?" Suji looked around, as if trying to spot an out of place bug or lizard. "If anyone's hanging out as a rodent or something, you'll need to kick them out for a few moments. I've got info from you from Ray, Seconds-only." She smiled as she looked back to him; she hadn't seen anyone, but that didn't really mean much with Animorphs.
Drake:
"Alone? Yeah, I think so. I hope so. I do not know why anyone would be spying on me." Drake shrugged, then did a quick check underneath his table/bed. "Looks clear."
"So you have Seconds-only information for me, from Ray? Now I am curious. Nothing scary I hope." Knowing Drake's luck they would be sent on some sort of top secret suicide mission that the rest of the faction was not supposed to know about. But then again, Ray probably would have told him something like that in person. But you never know...
Suji:
Suji half-smiled at the "nothing scary" comment. It was pretty heavy information for what it implied, but in itself it wasn't anything frightening. "Nothing scary, but I guess it's a pretty big responsibility. The password for the vault holding the DNA samples, and the location of the morphing cube."
Keeping her voice low, she told him both of the things. The password was probably harder to remember than the location; numbers were trickier than places, as far as she knew. "Here you go, I wrote it down for you." She walked over to where he was sitting, and held out a small folded piece of paper. Looking down at him, she felt herself smile again. He was so...
Lanky? In the past, before the war, it would have been a word like a sneer. Something to tease someone over, judge someone, a weapon of sorts. Now it was endearing. He'd been a good partner in Vegas. Her eyes had actually unfixed for a moment as she looked at him, and she very quickly snapped them back up to meet his. "You'll have to burn the thing once you memorize the code. Or eat it or something. Spy-style."
Drake:
Drake visibly relaxed a little when Suji relayed the reason she was there. It was something serious, but not serious serious. He did his best to memorize what Suji told him, but was definitely relieved when she handed him the paper.
"I think I will go with spy-style," he said with a wink. This was a huge new responsibility for Drake, and he was still not used to responsibility. "I guess we are true Seconds now." Drake probably should have felt prideful, but instead he felt like he had weights strapped to his feet.
Suji:
Suji laughed at the idea of him eating it. She didn't need the paper--once her brain latched on to a piece of info, there was no way she was forgetting it, even if she wanted to. "I guess so. Though I'm still holding out for a badge and a snazzy uniform." Suji ran a hand through her hair for a moment. "Well, that was it. See you later." She half-turned to begin to leave, but something held her.
There was an awkward moment of silence where she internally she fought with herself. Before she could totally over-think, Suji turned back to him. "Can I ask you something?"
Drake:
Drake nodded and gave a little wave when Suji started to leave. But then she did not leave and there was an awkward pause. Drake hated awkward silences, but by their very nature they were hard to brake.
Luckily it did not last long since Suji asked if she could ask something. "Of course can. Lets just hope I can give you an answer." Drake gave a smile with one half of his mouth. He was unsure if this was going to be a serious question, or just a question of curiosity.
Suji:
Suji almost wanted him to say no, that this was a bad time, or that he'd rather not talk right now. Her heart was in her throat, suddenly, and the memory of the dream she'd woken from was heavy in her mind. The question was on the tip of her tongue, but it was still hard, so hard, to ask.
Because asking meant a moment of weakness, didn't it? Showing a crack in her own assurance? But she felt like if she didn't somehow talk about it, somehow hear about the subject in someone else's words, she was going to snap. And Drake, for whatever reason, was her best option. She knew him better than she knew anyone else here, and what's more, they were both of the same 'rank'. She couldn't dare show weakness (whether it was just perceived or real) to her "team," and she didn't want to bother Ray with this.
"What do you think about this Crayak and Ellimist stuff? Do you believe it?" Her tone was, even to her, surprisingly delicate. Not the belligerent sort of voice that demanded that he say he didn't believe it, or that implied that she'd sneer at him if he was ambivalent--at least not to her ears. Suji had made her own views on the subject pretty clear the night Aida arrived.
But asking showed some degree of uncertainty (weakness, her mind whispered), didn't it?
Drake:
Drake was somewhat surprised by Suji's question. Of all the questions she could have asked, that was one that he would not have guessed at. Mostly because he did not see the point. But Suji had asked him honestly, so he would try to give her an honest answer. It was a tricky subject, so he took quite a while to give a response.
"Do I believe in this whole Crayak-Ellimist thing? I am not entirely sure. Apparently Cassie believes in them, and I really doubt she would be lying to everyone about something that sounds so ridiculous. Although I admit that I have never met her or even spoken to her. But on the other hand, there is not really any way for us to prove that they are real. Fin and Aida seem to be pretty sure that they are real, though." Drake paused for a moment before continuing.
"I guess it is like they say, 'seeing is believing.' Which sounds good on paper, but is totally bogus in reality. I believe in air even though I have never seen it, and I have seen many mirages in Vegas, but I do not believe that they are even slightly real. So in the end, I guess it comes down to your own personal opinion. I still have not decided whether or not I think Crayak and Ellimist are real, but whether or not they are, what difference does it make? Even if we are pieces in some sort of cosmic game, is it going to affect how we play?"
Drake stopped there, realizing that he was starting to ramble and was not sure that he had even answered her question. He was a bit surprised at the words that had come out of his mouth, but he had meant every one of them.
Suji:
Suji listened carefully. She had no idea what she expected him to say. In the end it wasn't a straight yes or no; it was all that unsatisfying ambivalence that seemed to permeate her life ever since Vegas. Chicago had been the last place where the battle lines had been clear and true. That fell apart in Vegas, and it seemed like it was only going to keep spiraling out of control. Sometimes, sometimes you just wanted something black and white. Yes or no. But the world, impossible-possible demigods included, didn't seem to work that way.
What difference did it make if they were real or not indeed? Suji's brow furrowed, and for a moment the mask dropped. She was so tired; she maybe not in the same way she'd been after killing Toby, maybe not in the same way after the dam, but it was there. The feeling of being watched and measured had been riding her back since she'd had to murder a rogue Animorph, and even now when things had seemed comparatively peaceful, that feeling was still there in her dreams. Suji wasn't sure what difference it made, but it did make a difference. At least to her. Right?
"...yeah," she finally said lamely, and sighed, rubbing her face for a moment. "Yeah I guess you're right." The words were hollow. "It's just lately..." Her voice actually cracked, and she winced at the sound, tensing. "I should go." Her dark eyes focused everywhere in the room but on him, and she backed away. She turned and hastened for an exit.
Drake:
Drake noticed that Suji seemed out of it somehow. That was not a very Suji-like quality. Drake wondered if he should say something, but that was not very Drake-like. But he still had to hold back a laugh when Suji said that he was probably right.
"I doubt it," Drake called after her as she reached the doorway. "About me being right, that is. No offense, but I think this thing is probably too far over both our heads for us to 'get it.'" Drake shrugged in a what-can-you-do-about-it fashion, then spun in his chair once more.
Suji:
Suji had her hand on the doorknob, and she paused. Over their heads? Sure. But if Suji didn't try to understand it, or at least understand her part in it, she wouldn't be her. And it bothered her to not know, almost as much as it bothered her to admit that omnipotent beings could exist. Her jaw worked, and she tilted her head back.
I'm going to regret this, she thought, eyes squeezed shut tight, and sighed before half-turning back to him.
She struggled, at war with herself over how to say what she needed to say without sounding crazy, and knowing that the attempt would be futile either way because the idea itself was crazy. "When Aida and Fin talked about Crayak before, it wasn't... it wasn't totally new to me. It was like I was suddenly given a name for something I'd already felt." She snickered darkly under her breath. "And that made me more than a little angry."
Staring at the floor, she continued. "Lately... lately I've been having these dreams, like something, someone--two someones--are watching over my shoulder." Heat rose in her cheeks, embarassed. "I don't believe in prophecies. I don't believe in seers or psychics or-or-or inane stuff like that." When she looked up at him, her eyes were over-bright, tears standing in them though she had enough composure to keep from crying.
Oh God, Suji, keep it together, don't do this, this is pathetic this is beneath you-
"I keep getting this feeling like something... big is coming. Soon."
Drake:
Drake had no clue how he was supposed to respond to this. Here was Suji, probably the toughest girl he knew, possibly even the toughest person, and she was telling him stuff that he knew she would not say lightly. Drake was more than a bit befuddled by Suji at the moment, but tried not to let that affect his reactions. He could tell that Suji probably did not exactly understand why she was telling him this either, but that was sort of a guess. She at least seemed a bit out of sorts.
Still unable to come up with a response, Drake pulled out another wheely chair and offered her a seat. He felt like mentioning that a dream was just a dream, but had a feeling that that would not be sufficient. Drake thought for a while, again, before responding. Although when he did speak, he did not have a whole lot to say.
"We know that assuming your dreams or whatever mean nothing would serve no purpose, so lets assume that this is true for a moment. Crazy, I know, but lets just pretend." Drake was a bit reluctant to continue. He felt foolish suggesting they play make-believe. "Is there anything in there that can help us?" Drake pointed at her head as he spoke. "Like how big is big?"
Suji:
Drake looked like she'd caught him off guard. No, really? She thought acidly, angry at herself and feeling more than a little ashamed. One hand behind her was still on the doorknob, holding it tight, as if it were a lifeline. There was still the option of telling him to forget it, darting out of the room, and finding a place to hide away for a few hours.
He pulled out a chair for her to sit on, and she eyed it warily. Walking over and sitting down would be a confirmation that she'd really just admitted what she thought she had, and that she was really going to sit down and talk about this. Whatever "this" was, some ridiculous idea, a dream. Slowly she unclenched the hand on the doorknob, and stepped forward, almost shyly taking a seat.
He talked about pretending that the dreams meant something, and Suji relaxed; not much, but enough that it was visible. Yes. They could pretend. If they were just pretending that it was real, not saying it was, then it was all hypothetical, right? Then whatever she admitted to or theorized about didn't really matter. She couldn't be held accountable if it sounded crazy. That's how pretending worked.
Taking a deep breath in attempts to get her throat to loosen enough so that she could speak, Suji tried to collect herself. "I'm not sure. It's not... It's not like I'm seeing the future or something like that. Or even sensing it." She snorted, and added, "I wish, that'd be pretty useful."
Shaking her head a little to get back on track, she licked her lips. "It's not me-" She grimaced, scowled, searched her brain for a better way to explain it. "You know how in a movie the camera might pan over something that's about to blow up? Or the music will change when you know there's a surprise coming? It's... a bit like that. That's how it feels--but I'm not the one watching the movie. These two-" Another grimace, brief, at mentioning Crayak and Ellimist as if they existed. "-Forces are the ones watching everything play out. It's like they're leaning forward in their seats, and in this case, leaning over my shoulder and waiting for a big scene to start."
She rubbed her forhead with the heel of her palm. "That's not at all helpful," she sighed, dejectedly.
Drake:
Drake had a hard time comprehending what Suji was telling him, but he thought he got the general idea. Drake was sort of good with abstract thinking, and Suji did a pretty good job of describing something so... complicated. But still, he did not understand all of it, but he suspected that Suji would not expect him too.
However, once again Drake did not know how to respond. It was not as if Suji had asked him to solve her problems or something. Perhaps she was just looking for some support, or for someone to share her burden. That Drake could do.
"So if they are 'watching over your shoulder' then you must play some part in it, right?" Drake had no clue, but it was the best he could come up with.
Suji:
He didn't judge her or call or crazy, at least not to her face. Maybe if she was in a better frame of mind she could have searched him, analyzed, tried to see what he was thinking (if it was something under the surface of his expressions--not that Drake tended to be the type to conceal his thoughts, as far as she knew). But as it was, she could barely stand to meet his eyes every once in a while.
"I really hope not," Suji said flatly, though part of her, deep down, knew the truth. She was some sort of player in whatever was going on. The extent of her role, which 'side' she was meant to support, that was beyond her. But she was in this. They all were though, weren't they? But why should she feel the pressure, and some other people didn't? What did she and Fin and Aida have in common that the other people she knew didn't?
"I..." She bit at her lip for a moment. "It's more than just a dream, though." Admitting that made her want to shrink away, bolt, at least fidget in place. "I've felt it before. Two other times." Suji closed her eyes. This isn't fair to him, she thought bitterly. What is he, your confessional? What the hell are you expecting? This doesn't help anything!
But maybe it would help. And at least, for her, it would get all the cards on the table, for now. If things got worse, she'd have someone she could come to, who already knew some of the story. It was the logical thing to do. Clinging to her pride out of fear of alienation... as much as she would have preferred that, this was the better alternative. If what she was about to admit was true, they were all playing in the big leagues now, and something was coming down the pipes. Whether or not this would help them be prepared, well, could she afford to ignore it if there was a chance?
"Back in Chicago," Suji started, and her voice trembled a little but she quickly steeled it. "One of the newly recruited Animorphs turned out to be..." Serial killer didn't seem to be enough, even if that was the best word. "He was a murderer. He'd made a habit out of killing people, women and girls mostly, and he'd been tracking Raven--the faction leader--for a while. I knew he was a lying son of a bitch, but I didn't know how far down it all went." Her mouth twitched into a grimace before she continued. She remembered being nearly killed in her tiny owl morph. Remembered feeling so... helpless. "Out of a turn of luck me and a faction-mate got the drop on Toby, the... killer. But Raven's a pacifist. She won't even morph because she's pregnant, and there's a chance she'd lose the baby."
Suji pinched the bridge of her nose. "I killed him. I told her we'd take turns watching him, so that everyone could get some sleep and we could figure out what to do with him the next day. On my turn I killed him because-" Her voice warbled again. "Because there aren't any jails. There isn't a way to hold someone like that, you can't cage an Animorph, and even if we nothlitted him, if he escaped he could tell the Yeerks how vulnerable we were! The damn faction leader is too weak to realize that we're f-fighting a war!" Suji dropped her head into her hands, shoulders shivering lightly, though she kept from crying. "I killed him because I had to, because the person that sort of... that sort of job is supposed to fall on wouldn't."
Her voice lowered, somewhat muffled by her hands. "She got to keep her precious innocence, even though it's her job to forfeit that. In exchange, I got blood on my hands." Twofold, from Toby's sister, but that was too much, too much to admit to. Only one other person alive knew about Sophia. "That's when I first felt that... that watching over my shoulder. I had these dreams... dreams about a red eye, like Fin said."
She paused for a moment, and then went on. "The next time it happened was in Vegas." She couldn't explain this one as much: she didn't know how much Drake knew about what had happened with Luce, and it wasn't her secret to tell. "I had a clear shot at a Controller that had almost killed Ember. Suddenly there was that watched feeling, like someone waiting for me to pull the trigger, judging me. And I should have, I should have shot that Controller, she was dangerous, but it was just... it was too much. I was tired of being the one doing the dirty work. It was a moment of stupid self pity and I let her go instead." The being watching her had agreed.
All that off her chest and she didn't feel better for it. She just felt like she'd invited him to a 'look how neurotic I am under the calm exterior' party, and vulnerability was not something she was comfortable with, at all.
"So now this starts up, and I find myself looking around, getting jumpy, waiting for the axe to drop. I'm-" Concerned? Worried? Troubled? "scared."
Drake:
Drake was overwhelmed. This person that he thought he knew was spilling secrets to him like they were treats on Halloween. The events in Chicago were enough to rock his boat pretty well, but the rest of the events on top of that threatened to capsize it. Drake just had to take it one step at a time.
Suji killed someone. Actually killed them. But there was no way that Drake was about to believe that Suji was a heartless monster after all they had been through. There was also evidence of that when she let a controller, her arch enemy, survive. And the red eye thing. Crayak? The weird dreams/visions/feelings or whatever completely threw him for a loop.
After Suji had practically poured her heart out for him, he had to say something. "This is just too much." Then, realizing that Suji would probably misinterpret the meaning, he quickly added to that. "I mean, how could you keep all of that in there? Does Ray know any of this? Or Rian?" Suji said that the second time happened in Vegas, which likely meant it happened at the dam. Which also meant that he had been there for that one.
Drake rubbed the sides of his head with his palms before continuing. He brain was still trying to sort everything out. What in the world? This did not make any sense. "You know what? I think you should write this all down. Burn it after you do, for all I care, but write it down. That way you can get out every detail and analyze everything. There has to be some logic in there somewhere."
Drake was surprised at his own suggestion. Where had that come from. It just popped into his head all of a sudden and he knew that it was not just some harebrained idea. But would Suji go for it?
Suji:
'This is just too much.'
Suji looked up at him quickly, bringing her head half out of her hands. Her eyes were wide and her fingers were half-folded down, still covering her mouth. This was a mistake, I knew this was a mistake, this is wrong, why did I do this- She looked like a deer in the headlights, and a vigorous apologizing was already almost underway before he continued. He asked about Ray and Rian and the tight feeling of terror in her chest constricted further. Was Drake going to tell Ray? If it was this much of a problem, Suji probably should have told Ray. But she hadn't. Because she wanted to seem capable, not crazy. And it was going to backfire majorly.
"Rian... Rian knows about what happened in Chicago. I didn't tell him, Raven did. I don't know what, if anything, he told Ray about me. Neither of them know about the Vegas thing." Just the thought of admitting to Rian that she'd had a shot at Sedra and not taken it was nauseating. "I haven't... I haven't told Ray because Dallas was supposed to be a fresh start. Where I could prove myself and- and everything would work out. And I know you're bearing with me pretty well, but this... what I'm saying, even if we assume that it's not just my subconscious having a field day with my moral crises, it's still pretty damn crazy." Suji leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling for a moment.
"Writing it down... you're right. I probably... God, I probably should have done that before bothering you." Suji cursed under her breath, rubbed her eyes roughly, though it wasn't clear if it was to hide tears or not. Her voice was genuinely apologetic, to the point of misery. "It's just. I haven't... I haven't told anyone about this... Crayak thing," she said the last two words very quietly. Her voice took on an almost pleading tone, as if she knew she'd done something wrong but wanted him to at least understand why she did it. "I didn't want to... I couldn't look nuts in front of anyone that I might have to... to give orders to. And--God this is pathetic--I don't want Ray to think he can't trust me. That I'm jumping at shadows."
She sighed in defeat, still covering her eyes with one hand. After a moment she sniffed (was it almost a sniffle?). "How do you stay so unruffled? I mean, I know you're not fresh off your 3-day confinement; you weren't even new when the Dam thing played out. And that was... it wasn't all that bloody, but it wasn't exactly pleasant. How in the world do you stay so cool?" She finally lifted her hand, and though her eyes were a little red, there were no tears. She dropped the hand into her lap. "And take that as a compliment. I'm someone who's spent the better part of my life trying to perfect the art of keeping cool."
A little bitterly, she smirked. "Then again we can see where that's gotten me."
Drake:
This time around that replies were not quite so hard to come up with. They were starting to get away from the what ifs and moving into the what nows. "I definitely think you should strongly consider giving Ray a heads up about all this. I mean, if you were in his shoes, you would want to know, right? And even if he does think you are a bit out of your mind, which I doubt, then I do not think he would send you off to the loony bin or anything."
Drake could tell that this conversation was well beyond Suji's comfort zone. Heck, it was well beyond Drake's comfort zone too, but they had to plow through their reluctancies and figure this out. To do what was necessary.
Drake stared blankly at Suji as she asked how he stayed unruffled. How he kept his cool. Drake was fairly unaware that he did this. Perhaps on some level he knew, but it was not obvious to him. But now that he mentioned it, he could remember on more than one occasion 'smoothing out the ruffles.'
"I guess... I guess I just do not think about stuff. I mean, I make sure to remember everything, but I also make sure that I do not dwell on it. Instead of holding on to everything, I let everything go. If that makes sense." Drake was pretty sure that he just made himself sound like a saint or something, but it was the best explanation he could fabricate on the spot.
"And do not be so hard on yourself. You are doing way better than most in your position. We are still teenagers, after all."
Suji:
Suji listened; it she was relaxing more now, and the knot lodged in her throat was slowly unraveling. She could breathe again, and the panicky sensation of being out of control began to subside. Still teenagers? Suji thought, after his last words. Were they? Yes, maybe Drake was, if he didn't let it affect him. But Suji was skeptical... hell, she was downright cynical. She'd already traded in her life as a teenager. In fact, she'd been eager to leave teenager-dom behind and join the war when she first had the chance. Eager to 'do something that mattered' and be strong and brave and righteous. What a fool she'd been. Still, no reason to be even more depressive. Not to Drake, at least.
"I'll tell Ray," she said finally, running a hand through her hair. "I'll need some time to work it all out for myself first, but I'll tell him. Maybe it'll go away before then," she said hopefully, though it was clear that she didn't think it would.
She tilted her head for a moment and regarded him. Part of her did feel better now, even though she would have sworn up and down that it wouldn't. Now that the initial terror of revealing the secret was gone, now that he wasn't looking at her like she was a monster, she could allow herself to feel slightly relieved. Suji didn't entertain any notions that this feeling would last (she'd probably just start feeling the guilt full force later on), but it was nice to have for as long as it stayed.
"Aren't you afraid that it's all going to catch up to you eventually? Or that if you keep letting go and letting go you'll wake up one day and realize you've done some terrible things?" Suji wasn't the type to let anything go, and even she worried that that would happen to her. Her tone wasn't confrontational: just curious. Then, a little more quietly, she asked: "Aren't you afraid that you won't ever be close to anyone, if you let it all slide off your back?"
Another quiet terror in the deeper recesses of her mind--Suji knew about distancing herself, knew about the costs of trying to transcribe the heat of life into cold analysis. There was a reason that her best friend was Luce, and that things had been strained between them ever since Luce had thrown in her lot with dedication to love instead of dedication to the cause.
Drake:
"Actually, I figured the opposite would happen. If I do not cling to things, I can view them from a distance and take in the big picture. And we are not talking about a stamp collection here. Letting something go does not mean you can not get it back. I am probably not making any sense, am I?"
Drake absently gave his chair another spin. "As for the getting close to people thing..." Now it was Drake's turn to talk about stuff that made him uncomfortable. "You gotta understand that before I joined the animorphs, I was pretty much a loner. I am closer to people now than I ever have been before. So in that sense, I guess I have already succeeded in getting close to people." Drake gave his chair a spin again, but this time out of discomfort. Hopefully that was the type of 'closeness' she was referring to.
Suji:
Stepping back. Big picture. There was a flicker of resentment deep down, and Suji knew herself well enough to know that it was targeted at herself. She was supposed to be good with seeing the big picture, wasn't she? Wasn't the meant to be one of her talents--something that helped you see from point A to point B and meant you could tally up all the pros and cons on the way?
You can't step back from this, though, she thought to herself. She was too close to this Crayak and Ellimist stuff, whether or not it was her choice. For some reason she was feeling it, it was happening to her, and you couldn't really get distance if you were tied down by circumstance. Of course, that just felt like a bunch of excuses.
She nodded when he talked about being a loner. "At least the friends you make now you know you can count on, I guess. Sometimes... I'm just a bit afraid that I'll end up being that person that sells their soul for another inch of victory. That kind of person doesn't tend to make a lot of friends." Suji almost wanted to mention how she'd been popular and pretty vicious about it before the war, but if Drake was a loner, her type of person probably picked on his type of person mercilessly. So she kept that information to herself.
"If... if something does happen though. We'll stick together, right? As co-Seconds or whatever? Promise to keep as many people safe as possible, whatever the costs?"
Drake
"At least the friends you make now you know you can count on, I guess. Sometimes... I'm just a bit afraid that I'll end up being that person that sells their soul for another inch of victory. That kind of person doesn't tend to make a lot of friends."
"You are right. I do know I can count on the friends I have made. And you must not be that type of person yet, at least. Because I know at least one friend you have made." Drake was obviously referring to himself.
"If... if something does happen though. We'll stick together, right? As co-Seconds or whatever? Promise to keep as many people safe as possible, whatever the costs?"
Drake could only think of one response. His reply could be summed up in a single word. "Always," he said with a wink.
Suji:
'Because I know at least one firend you have made.'
Suji couldn't help it. The corner of her mouth twitched, and then there was the slow formation of a grin. "H-hold on," she said, the word interrupted by a tiny laugh. Then she raised a finger, and then rolled her eyes up, as if trying to remember something. Feigning absolutely seriousness for a moment, she shook her head. "Nope. I believe that was the cheesiest thing I've ever heard in my life." Halfway through the sentence she broke into a grin, unable or unwilling to keep the somber face up. She let out a laugh, and looked at her lap for a moment.
Good. It was a pact then. And as far as Suji was aware, it was the first time she'd consciously made a decision to share leadership with someone. Even in the other factions, she'd had a... tendency to view leadership as just an obstacle to get around, or something that had to be dealt with to get what she wanted. Though she hadn't had any conflicts with Ray in Dallas, that didn't mean that she'd ever committed herself to really seeing his authority as end-all.
"Okay then," she said in a huff, and pushed herself up from the seat. "I'm off to find a pen, a lot of paper, and my dignity. I'm sure I left it somewhere around here," she said, smirking. Then, almost absently, she added: "Maybe I'll go flying first. Try to get some clarity, if the weather isn't still acting up."
She looked back to him, eyebrows arched. "You wanna come? Vulture wings make for some excellent soaring, which I'm sure you've noticed by now. And I promise there will be no talking," she added with a thin smile.
Drake:
Drake was very happy to se Suji smiling. Hopefully it meant that she was feeling better again. Drake did not even mind that it was at his expense. He probably would have made the same comment if he were in her place anyhow.
Then Suji asked if he wanted to go flying with her and he was a bit unsure. He did not know if she would want some time alone after their talk, but eventually figured she would not have asked if she minded his company. Besides, it might be a good idea to keep tabs on her for a little while and he had nothing better to do at the moment.
Also, flying was fun. "I think I will have to take you up on that offer," he said with a smile. His mood had elevated significantly since their talk just a few moments ago. "To the bell tower?"
Suji:
Suji nodded, and started for the door. Shared silence was a wonderful thing that she'd discovered some weeks ago with Luce: it wasn't half as awkward as spilling your guts, and you got to keep all your thoughts inside your head. At the same time it was... nice to have someone there, like a safety line that you didn't use but you were happy to have anyway.
She placed a hand on the doorknob, and looked back over her shoulder at him. "Thanks Drake," she said with a small smile. At the risk of becoming as sappy and cheesy as she'd just accused him of being, she left it at that.
"Race you," she said with a grin, and bolted out of the door (making sure to try to swing it shut behind her as she did so). Soulless or just another teenager, crazy or somehow attuned to forces beyond her control, one thing was for sure: Suji had no hangups about playing fairly.
Drake:
Drake just smiled when she said thanks. It was the least he could do. All he had really done was listen and tried to give some advice where needed.
When Suji decided to make it a race, Drake bolted for the exit. He wound up with a face full of door. He quickly opened it and ran down the hallway after Suji in a futile attempt to catch up. Perhaps it was foolish thinking, but at that moment it seemed everything would turn out alright for the animorphs in the city of Dallas.