Reunion and Regrets

[Alain]

Alain didn't look up at Suji though she seemed to have decided to loom over him instead of sitting down, which only fed into his growing certainty that she was above him in this world he'd decided to enter.

For a moment he just drank his beer and watched the interplay of light beneath him. He knew what he'd told Nineteen but it had only really been part of the truth and, somehow, telling Suji he'd come out here hoping for a reunion didn't seem like a wise thing to do. Besides, Suji may have been an inspiration for a lot of things but he was honestly here for his own reasons. She had shown him that there was more he could be doing to fix his own mistakes.

"You don't know what I've done," he said in an unconscious echo of what she'd said to him so many nights before.

[Suji]

"You don't know what I've done."

Her shoulder's drooped, and it was too much. She couldn't keep up the Ice Queen act; every too-hot too-bothersome emotion melted through. "Christ." Suji rubbed her face with one hand, and sat down roughly next to him. Her back was turned away from the ledge though, and she leaned against the bars that made up the side railing.

Suji did know what he'd done. Cassie had told her. In a way, their positions were reversed. When he'd first met her, apparently he'd known a lot more about her than she thought. Now the tables were turned she knew his dark secret. She was well aware that he wouldn't be very happy if he found out she knew. "Can you morph? Did they do that to you already?" She was already certain he could. The way Seiya had described the system, it'd seemed like a pretty routine process once the new recruits were brought in.

[Alain]

"Do it to me?" Alain asked, questioning her choice of phrasing, turning to look at her now that she'd finally sat down. He began to realize that she was afraid for him. He'd been feeling a bit like a tag along that she simply hadn't wanted here. But the way she was speaking it was as if she hadn't wanted him to get trapped here. And, now that he thought about it, that was a completely predictable way for her to look at it.

Suji had always felt trapped by the war and now she thought he'd trapped himself too. In a way he had but he had escaped a much more dangerous trap. The free human colony and the false sense of redemption that had come with it. He hadn't done anything to earn that place, unlike Suji. And he'd realized, once she'd left, that if he didn't do something to earn it he would always hate himself.

"Yes, I can morph," Alain said. "I'm pretty decent at it by now. This place doesn't skimp on its training."

[Suji]

When he said he was decent at morphing Suji felt another blow to her stability. She rubbed her face again, probably more to hide it than anything else. Her hands trembled, and she finally settled for cupping her temple with one hand, pushing her hair away from her face. She cursed again.

"I should have never gone there." The words carried a heavy load of regret, and she stared down at the engine beneath them. If she'd never gone, Alain would have never gotten the crazy idea to being an Animorph into his head. And if he had, it wouldn't have been her fault, and she wouldn't have known. Or cared. And that seemed like the worst of it. It took so much energy and it was so terrifying to care about anyone in this war. There was a constant, paralyzing fear that they'd be hurt or killed or captured. At least with people like Aubrey or Drake or Luce, they'd all become Animorphs completely independently of her. It could never be traced back to her. This? Alain was different. How could she not feel responsible? Just by showing up she'd managed to bring the war to someone else, and someone else to the war.

"So- so what? You saw what this thing does to people and you thought, hey, let's give that a try? I need to get on board for a big dose of suffering? None of us have enough of that in our lives already?" Her voice wavered, and she closed her eyes.

[Alain]

Alain turned to Suji. He wanted to touch her but he wasn't quite sure if he was allowed, still he figured a hand on her shoulder couldn't be taken too seriously if she didn't want it to be. "Suji," he said, his voice trying to get her to look up at him, hoping she'd understand. "I chose to be here."

He could hear the guilt in her voice and it awoke the familiar need to disperse it. She always seemed to be hardest on herself and this was no different and he needed to prove to her that this wasn't her fault. "I chose it because it's something I need to do for myself. You didn't make me do it. I already had suffering in my life and, if you did anything, you showed me that I could hope for better. Not without suffering or pain but still better."

He let his hand fall from her shoulder and turned back to stare at the engine, trying to take the responsibility for his own life fully on himself. "And please, for both our sakes, give me the credit of being able to make my own choices."

[Suji]

"Nobody just makes their own choices in this place. Things don't work like that." Suji did her best to achieve some sort of calm, running a hand through her hair and taking longer breaths. Their lives were nothing but webs of duty and obligation, whether to the war or to their friends. No matter what little thing you did, you ended up affecting so many other people. Which was maybe how life was in a normal world too; but here the stakes were higher, and the consequences could be a difference of life and death.

Alain had been a Controller and she understood the feeling of needing to atone for your sins, but she doubted he realized what he was stepping into. Sure he'd seen plenty of ugliness, but it was abstract for him, wasn't it? Like it'd been for her. He was in store for watching people he lived next to, fought with, shared some dingy hide out with, to die protecting him. Life as a Controller prepared you to see terrible things, but there tended to be buffer in-between. No matter what led you to being a Controller, you could still share the blame with someone else. The devil made me do it, and all of that. Alain probably gotten a big taste of that given that he'd been voluntary at the outset, but in the end, it wasn't as raw and acute as what happened when you knew you were supposed to be the good guys to begin with.

"So what are you going to do? Are you stationed doing technical work, or are you going to become good old cannon fodder like the rest of us ground troopers?"

[Alain]

"If Cassie had her way I'd be stuck here doing lab experiments," Alain said with a mix of bitterness and defiance. "But I'm destined for the canon fodder route." He looked over at Suji and felt the strongest urge he'd ever felt to tell her what had happened, what he'd done. If there was anyone who would understand she would? But that was just his own weakness speaking. If there was one person in the world who'd hate him for what he'd done it was her. She and countless others had suffered because of his choices, because of the weakness inherent in them.

Instead he settled for a version of the truth. "I was a scientist when I was a Controller. I've spent too much time in a lab. Besides, can't let all of this training go to waste." He took out another beer and held it out to her once again. "Don't suppose you'll take this now?"

[Suji]

Suji felt the secret of her knowledge boring deeper into her as he went on, exceptionally aware of how he framed everything, careful not to expose himself. She was at a loss. The longer she waited to tell him he knew, the worse it'd be when he found out. And Suji had been around long enough to know that stuff like that always came out. On the other hand, if Alain was going out of his way not to tell her, maybe it was best to protect those wishes.

And there was Cassie. Alain would probably be less than pleased with her if and when he found out. The truth was, though, that Suji didn't really give a damn if Cassie was put into a tight spot. If nothing else, Cassie had orchestrated this, had probably even stuck them in the same camp on purpose. Besides, she wasn't in the business of guarding Cassie from awkward situations. Cassie had other people to do that for her.

Silently, Suji took the beer from him, twisting off the cap. It did taste different, and it took a moment to get used to it. After drinking beers mostly made from fruits, this one seemed a lot more bitter, closer to what actual beer would taste like. It was still pretty refreshing. After a long while, Suji mustered up her courage. She could keep secrets, but those were her own to keep, and they still always felt like they ended up doing more damage than they were worth.

"Alain," she sighed, leaning her head back against one of the metal bars, and staring up at the network of walkways and cables above them. "I know that your Controller helped make the Dallas bomb." She didn't look at him as he said it, and only took a moment before continuing. "And I know that you were voluntary up until whatever point. I figure you should know."

[Alain]

Suji took the beer and Alain relaxed a little. He'd never told Suji he was a controller before he'd met her and he'd half been expecting her to reject him because of it. But when she took the beer he figured she either didn't care or hadn't caught the confession. Since Suji was one of the most observant people he knew he was betting on the first.

He was about to ask her what she thought of his newest brews and, by doing so, hoped to steer the conversation back on to more normal topics when she launched into what appeared to be another serious confession of her own. Except this confession had to do with him.

He didn't know what to say which didn't happen to him often. There was always a joke that could be made at least but what could he say to this? He wanted to ask her how she'd found out but he could guess easily enough. Now that he knew she was a "Hero of the West" he had to assume Cassie had told her.

It made him angrier than he would have thought. Cassie made such a big deal out of being everyone's confidant but part of being a confidant was keeping things confidential. Added to the feeling of betrayal by someone he'd had a lot of respect for if only because she'd been the one to free him, was an anger at Suji herself. It was partially irrational but he didn't like the idea that she was of such a high rank that she could just command to know information about anyone's past or even be given it as a matter of course, he wasn't sure which was worse. Had she checked up on him or had Cassie just casually let slip the fact that he was responsible for all those people's deaths? After all the trouble she'd gone through to ensure no one here knew about it, she'd just let someone know. For what reason?

His anger allowed him to avoid thinking about the fact that Suji hadn't exactly told him what she thought about his past. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know.

"So, what? You met me and decided you had the right to check up on me?" he asked, some of the anger he was feeling leaking into his voice. "Because you were some mighty animorph and I was just, what? A teacher? Is that why Cassie didn't want me to join? Because she didn't want me inside her precious group of warrior freaks." Alain swung his legs back on to the tier and began to stand up. "Because apparently being an animorph means you're above everyone else."

[Suji]

The more upset Alain got, the more certain Suji was that she'd made the right decision. In a way, it made her calmer. She felt like a fragment of control had returned to her; at very least, she could control her own reaction now. And if he was this angry now, she couldn't imagine how angry he'd be if she'd withheld the information and it came out somewhere down the line. That, and anger was an easy emotion to address, to deal with. Certainly easier than lingering, potentially romantic feelings -- on whoever's part.

He stood, and Suji remained sitting, looking all the way up at him. If she stood it would seem more confrontational, and it would even make her feel more confrontational. Besides, if he was accusing her of thinking she was "high and mighty," probably best to stay down where she was. "I don't know why Cassie didn't want you to join or not." Maybe being called a warrior freak should have hurt more than it did. As it was, there was definitely a twinge of pain, but it was more at his tone than his words. Sure, Suji was a freak. But being a freak had saved her life, had saved the lives of people she loved. And, now, he was just a much of a freak as any of them.

"Alain, you waived the right to keep your past from me the first day we met. You decided to go out of your way to make friends with the Animorph girl from Dallas' destruction, without ever telling me you knew what I was. I didn't even realize you'd seen the hologram until I talked to Cassie." Suji's eyes moved back and forth between his, her voice even and as possible. "Secrets give people power, don't they? You knew some pretty heavy stuff about me, and I was in the dark the whole time. So please, don't preach to me about who thinks they're above who."

She sighed, rubbing her temple again. "If you want to be pissed at me, Alain, fine. But just so we're clear, I'm not angry at you for that, even though you only clued me in after I directly confronted you about it."

[Alain]

"Half the world saw you on that broadcast Suji, it's completely different. I didn't have to ask or to know someone to know who you were and I never brought it up because it didn't seem like the most tactful thing to talk about. 'Hi, aren't you that person who almost died once?'" Alain turned away and began to pace up and down the walk way.

"So is that what you're life is like?" He finally asked, turning back to look at her. "Anyone close to you waive's their right to privacy? Because if that's true I don't know why I've been working so hard all day to avoid all the questions about you. If I were to follow Cassie's example I should just host a 'tell all'."

[Suji]

Suji's mouth twitched into a thin line, a sign of her irritation. "You let me think that you had no idea who I was or where I came from. Frame that however you want, but do you honestly think that isn't some kind of betrayal? You think that makes what you did okay? 'It's not a lie, it's just neglecting to tell the truth'?" Alain was throwing a lot of stones, and Suji was hoping that he'd look around at his glass house before at real damage was done.

"If you think talking to people about me would equate with what Cassie did, you're deluding yourself." Internally, Suji felt herself getting more frustrated, and it took an effort not to snap at him. Participating in rumors about her? It sounded a lot like a threat, and her patience would only go so far. "You never thought about the fact that Cassie sent me to the same camp she sent you? She played us both, and as much as I've spent my time hating Cassie, I won't blame her for it."

Suji stared up at him, daring him to break her gaze. "Cassie telling me about you wasn't about me being a hero, or even about me being an Animorph. It was about the fact that we're connected." The words itched in her mouth, far too mystical sounding for her liking. "Knowing you helped put me back together Alain. And, if you're an Animorph now, I probably helped you along the way too." The next line was the biggest gamble, and Suji put every ounce of clarity and sincerity she had into it. This wasn't a time to play it safe. You didn't tread water when you were caught swimming in a lightning storm.

"She told me because she wanted you to have someone who could accept that part of you. Someone who could understand why you can never accept it. And I know you don't think that's her place. Months ago, I'd have agreed with you. But it is her place. She's the leader of the only fighting force that stands any chance of saving humanity. She does what she has to do."

Suji's expression softened, her voice quieting. "And I do accept it, Alain."

[Alain]

He didn't want her to accept it. He didn't want someone to tell him it was ok. Cassie had done that and then she'd sent him off to paradise as if he'd deserved some sort of break for what he'd done. Maybe Suji was right and Cassie was some sort of grand manipulator who had engineered this whole thing, but that didn't change how he felt. He didn't deserve someone understanding him and he couldn't accept that Suji did, no matter how sincere she sounded.

"Enjoy the beer," Alain said before turning and walking away. He knew it might hurt but he couldn't stay and listen to her forgive him for something that was unforgivable. All it did was underline the fact that she had been on the right side of this from the beginning for all the right reasons and he hadn't. He would have to change that and he had a chance to but his actions and his choices could never just be erased.

Somewhere outside his shield of guilt and self hatred Suji's understanding was threatening to break through and he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let her help him forgive himself, not now. She was just like the camp they'd left behind, a false sense of redemption and if he let himself feel that he would never do the things he had to do to make up for his mistakes. So he left.

[Suji]

Suji sighed, and didn't bother getting up off the floor as Alain walked away. She could have chased after him. Could have called him back, or at least told him to wait. But, no, she wouldn't do that. After giving it her best shot, he'd completely shut down. Hadn't asked her anything, hadn't even argued with her about anything. He just turned his back on her and left.

Maybe there were people Suji wouldn't have let walk away like that, and maybe that was the only lesson learned here. She could, and would, let Alain leave. If there were people in this world Suji would beg to listen to her, he was not one of them. Especially not when it was clear how little good it would have done her.

Still, it hurt enough that she stayed there for more than a few minutes after he left, ignoring the stinging feeling in her eyes and the twisting in her stomach. I made the right choice, she told herself, and hoped that it was true. Really though, it was the only choice. Suji respected Alain too much to let him go along thinking she didn't know. And if he thought that she was just some arrogant soldier who threw common courtesy to the wayside, well, so be it. It wasn't like he was the first, or and he wouldn't be the last. It just felt terribly unfair, and more than a little hypocritical; two points she tried not to focus on, because it would just lead to feeling sorry for herself. And if she was going to start doing that, Alain wanting nothing to do with her was hardly the worst on the list of bad things to happen in her life.

When her limbs felt less like lead, Suji pushed herself to her feet. She didn't bother taking the beer with her. Maybe it was rude, but in reality, she figured someone would find it and be happy for the treat. She just couldn't deal with it, didn't want to touch it. It reminded her too much of the last few months. Suji headed straight to her room, not wanting to interact with anyone else.